Jon Gosselin Fails To Escape Family On Motorcycle, Dennis Hopper Sheds A Tear For Him

Jon Goesselin can't escape his family, Kevin Bacon's mugger escapes capture, Paul Allen can definitely escape Cannes, Josh Duhamal tries to escape death at Indy 500: presenting your man-happy Sunday afternoon gossip roundup.

  • Jon and Kate Gosselin: more shameless today than they were yesterday. The family got a visit from the American Chopper guys, and they gave Kate a pink Vespa. Jon got to ride on a chopper, and Kate warned him that if he went outside of a five-foot range, she'd "get him, and his pretty dog, too." Jon sadly didn't escape. The Learning Channel sadly learned about brand synergy. [D Listed]
  • Microsoft billionaire Paul Allen made a shady exit ("Irish Goodbye?") from Cannes; rumors of a medical emergency were running wild. Allen's peeps say: "He just didn't feel like hanging out in Cannes. He does what he wants to do." Which may or may not involve hanging out in the comfort of his own home, sans celebrity scene at Cannes. Which is apparently "suspicious." [NYDN]
  • Old people know how to use things with screens and press buttons, impressively so: Elizabeth Taylor is Twittering from her hospital bed. Shaq has yet to @ her. [NYDN]
  • Paris Hilton and her squeak toy Doug Reinhardt tried to reenact that scene from Species where Natasha Henstridge bites the guy's face of in bed, except they were just grotesquely making out on a boat at Cannes, in the bathroom, and they were busted by Elton John's lover. Someone at Cannes is thinking about optioning this. [Mirror]
  • Invincible Heroes star Hayden Panettiere was on a boat (mothafucka) tanning with James Blunt at Cannes. This is inexplicably annoying, isn't it? [The Star]
  • Kevin Bacon got his BlackBerry jacked by a guy at the B/D/E station on 53rd and 7th. Bacon pursued him on a foot chase, but didn't catch the thief. No word on the inevitable question of how many degrees from Kevin Bacon he was (or official ruling on how many he now is). [A hysterically readable New York Post filing].
  • Josh Duhamal plays a huge part in today's Big News Story We Won't Be Reporting, the Indy 500. He's driving the pace car, which is the car all the drivers aim for. We were going to ask Deadspin editor AJ Daulerio for a quote on this; Dulario responded: "I'm cooped up in a weird hotel in Indianapolis waiting for the little cars to start." Ooookay. [MSNBC]
  • Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon aren't broke. We know this because they're "celebrating Memorial Day" (?) making press appearances at what's being billed as the most expensive hotel in the world, in Turkey. [NYP. Also, related.]
  • Evolutionary scientist Perez Hilton tries to assert the missing link between Rihanna and a cockatoo. [P*r*z H*lt*n]
  • Jean Claude Van Damme manages to gets all freaknasty with some women in Cannes. F. Scott Fitzgerald once asserted that there were no second acts in American lives. His specificity was astute. [DListed]