Mad Bomber Tries to Make It As Clear As Possible: Die, Yuppie ScumS

The rhetoric is over. The violence has begun! A bomber is on the loose! New York City has been struck by its fourth explosion in as many years, a slow reign of anarchist terror as the yuppies slumber. The message: "Bourgeoisie, repent or die." Or maybe: "We are bored teenagers."

At 3:30 yesterday morning—a day of memorial for the soldiers of capitalism—a thunderous, thundering thunder thundered through the overcompensated canyons of 92nd St, making it known to one and all (yuppies) that the people are not afraid to use a "jumbo plastic pill jar — like those used for bulk-bought vitamins or aspirin — filled with smokeless flash powder and connected to a hobbyist fuse" to strike them right where they live.

This has happened before, people. Wake up! Previous small bombs attacks have occurred "on the Times Square military recruiting station in 2008; on the Mexican Consulate at 27 East 39th Street in 2007; and on an office building housing the British Consulate at 845 Third Avenue in 2005."

But of course your average petit bourgeois intellectual is far too wrapped up in their yoga and dog ownership and child rearing and rampant acquisition of consumer possessions to connect the dots. It was only now, when their precious Starbucks was violently struck down, that the rich have awoken and been truly terrorized. Once they realized that this was not one of their reality distorting "television" shows, the sheer terror of imminent class war sent them fleeing with their wretched brood!

Later on Monday a woman walking by the blast scene with her daughter explained how shows like "C.S.I." are filmed. Then she realized the sidewalk was no stage set.

"This is the real deal?" she said. "I'm explaining it like it was a movie," she said as she grabbed the girl's hand and hurried away.

Two teenagers were seen fleeing shortly after the blast blew out windows of the Starbucks. Therefore everything about this story is guaranteed to be the result of idiocy.

[NYT, NYP. Pic: Getty]