Did you follow the news closely over the long weekend, loser? We hope not. It was all decades old.
- NEWS: An old New York Times reporter reveals—for the first time!—that he had a hot tip on the Watergate story before the Washington Post, but then he quit the paper and nobody ever pursued it. Hey guys: 'THE BIGGEST LOSER—OF JOURNALISM.' That's called "giving it a timely hook." Try it. Have the old guy go to Subway or something.
- NEWS: A former White House intern sells a book about her "sexual" affair with JFK 40 years ago, when he was alive and president. Neither of the people involved are youthful and attractive enough (in a "sexual" sense) for the magazine covers any more. Unfortunate.
- NEWS: Some dude has just now started a web site selling a previously unreleased video of JFK Jr.'s 1996 wedding to Carolyn Bessette. When might this have garnered significant public interest? Long, long ago.