Did you follow the news closely over the long weekend, loser? We hope not. It was all decades old.

• NEWS: An old New York Times reporter reveals—for the first time!—that he had a hot tip on the Watergate story before the Washington Post, but then he quit the paper and nobody ever pursued it. Hey guys: 'THE BIGGEST LOSER—OF JOURNALISM.' That's called "giving it a timely hook." Try it. Have the old guy go to Subway or something.
• NEWS: A former White House intern sells a book about her "sexual" affair with JFK 40 years ago, when he was alive and president. Neither of the people involved are youthful and attractive enough (in a "sexual" sense) for the magazine covers any more. Unfortunate.
• NEWS: Some dude has just now started a web site selling a previously unreleased video of JFK Jr.'s 1996 wedding to Carolyn Bessette. When might this have garnered significant public interest? Long, long ago.

And don't even get us started on this story about the nuclear fusion that takes place in stars. Breaking...12 billion years ago! Outrageous.
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Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.