The CIA is looking to hire a few good former hedge funders and investment bankers to put their "skills" to use on behalf of the USA. But could I-bankers really stand the rigors of the CIA lifestyle? Let's compare:

CIA: Use "intelligence" as a euphemism for doing who knows what.
Bankers: Use "finance" as a euphemism for doing who knows what.


CIA: Train to ingratiate themselves with sources of information.
Bankers: Train to ingratiate themselves with sources of revenue.

CIA: Did cocaine with Colombians and spent all night partying with hookers in a drug lord's villa. It was a mission.
Bankers: Did cocaine with Colombians and spent all night partying with hookers in a Murray Hill co-op. It was Tuesday.

CIA: Have been known to foster regime change in far-flung foreign countries to bolster the interests of the US military-industrial complex.
Bankers: Ditto.

CIA: Hunt down moles.
Bankers: Hunt down the city's best molé sauce; price is no object, just bring us our fucking food, Pedro.

CIA: Will ride through the rugged mountains of Afghanistan on horseback to make contact with tribal leaders.
Bankers: Wife once suggested some sort of "adventure vacation" crap. I was like, I don't work 100 hours a week to spend my vacation in some tent in the desert getting pissed on by a camel. Go shopping, why don't you, I have a client meeting tonight.

We predict success!
[NYP]

Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.