Ever since Bruno rubbed his balls in Eminem's face at the MTV Movie Awards, Fox & Friends has felt scared and alone. Steve Doocy wants to pretend it never happened, Gretchen Carlson can't get over the pantlessness, and Brian Kilmeade just refuses to believe that it was a hoax.

Because why would any self-respecting scary white straight guy like Eminem ever, I mean ever agree to have some other fellow's bits placed so precariously close to where the man puts food and maybe also a lady's breast? Kilmeade just won't accept that the whole thing was clearly a setup, because in his tiny world—which consists of a Farrah Fawcett poster, three little old men playing baseball, and a copy of the movie Freejack—men don't feel comfortable with their bodies or other bodies or anyone's bodies, and body touching is just gross especially if it's boys. I mean, if a gay hairdresser came dangling down on Brian Kilmeade, well Little Mr. Muffet just wouldn't know what the hell to do. Watch his brain start to explode above.

Also, yes, Gretchen. Everyone realizes Bruno wasn't wearing pants. Sshh. Just ssshh. Everyone just take a nap now. I know, I know. It's been a long coupla days. But everything's gonna be OK.


Who needs a binkie?