Last night intrepid Gawker operative Stephen Kosloff went on a mission to the inaugural Internet Week party hosted by YouTube, the Webbys, and the New York Observer. Sounds networky! Anyway, these are his stories.

You can find more of Stephen's work here.

Meeting the Internet In PersonS

This couple, through their actions and their attitudes at the launch party, conveyed the passion of Internet Week 2009. It took place at the Puck Building. Lauren is a dancer (jazzy) and her friend self-ID'd as a "hot dog vendor." So, hot dog guy and Lauren, thank you for your passions. May they never ever lead you ... INTO THE DEN OF THE HYENA!

Meeting the Internet In PersonS

I was like, "Hey dude, who are you?" and he was like "I'm David-Michael Davies," and I was like, "Oh, so what does that mean exactly?" and he was like "I'm the chairman of Internet Week," and I was like "Oh yeah? I'm the emperor of Internet Decade, so there," and then he was like "Oh yeah, well, my tie is actually a detachable bong."

Disclaimers:
(1) He is David-Michael Davies.
(2) He is the chairman of Internet Week.
(3) The above dialog did not happen, technically.
(4) His tie was a gift from his wife and it was hype.
(5) Apparently one of the guests left their Ark of the Covenant on the dance floor.

Meeting the Internet In PersonS

This was a sad trend. Interpeople handing out business cards with job titles that no longer attach to them, or, more troubling, from media entities that got kind of dead recently. Take the above subject, Sarah Scully — an avid reader of Gawker, incidentally — who handed me her card. Independent Film Channel. Producer & political correspondent for IFC news. But now, not so much. Oh well, she seemed unruffled ohhhhhhh snap.

Meanwhile, loitering in the background, Robert Stepanek, a previously documented composer of rap operas.

Meeting the Internet In PersonS

The fluorescing gentleman in the plaid shirt, Rogier Vijverberg, was in town for the Interfests with his colleagues from the ad agency Super Heroes. His colleagues and the agency are Dutch. I was like, "So are your beers."

After our exchange of pleasantries, Rogier and his pals sauntered over to the dance floor to check out the Ark of the Covenant. I wanted to warn them about staring into it.

Meeting the Internet In PersonS

Andrea Chalupa, with the be-flowered dress, yes, speaking of enterprises that died, worked for Portfolio and still had those biz cards. She is now gainfully employed by America Online. Yo, AOL! How about giving your employees some business cards?? Sheesh.

Meeting the Internet In PersonS

Chutzpah walked in the door, and she was wearing black clothes. This woman is holding up tree-media, a zine-poster thing called Show Paper. It is a listing of all-ages shows in the city, and it's on newsprint.

Oh, and it has horoscopes too. Let's see what's up for Taurus-branded motherfuckers: "You can't run away from your problems. You could if they had a knife but in most instances your problems have a gun and can fly."

Wow. Bummer.

Meeting the Internet In PersonS

The DJ scratched music, and the video was synched up to the scratching too. Neato!

Meeting the Internet In PersonS

This photograph was taken about one second after the Dutch advertising people lifted the top off the Ark of the Covenant and about 4 seconds before their faces melted off.

I was like, "I told you so."

Meeting the Internet In PersonS

Calling all agents, calling all agents. Report! Report!

Eventually the committee of Internets was like, "Enough with the melting faces already," and took appropriate counter-measures.

Arks of the Covenant: Not to be fucked with. Ever.