In your inexorable Thursday media column: Nickelodeon magazine folds, newspapers face threats from within and without, Glenn Beck is allegedly a superstar, and the answer to a question you didn't know you had:

Recession Kills SpongeBob

Goodbye, Nickelodeon Magazine. Viacom is folding the kiddie title and laying off 30 people thanks to you, the thieving internet hordes. Just remember, even if your magazine has a circulation of a million, you will still be destroyed. Condolences to the fallen.

Recession Kills SpongeBob

Apocalyptic newspaper news roundup! One Colorado paper is saving money by using all-volunteer photographers. How about a volunteer publisher instead, hey! Elsewhere: editors who worked for Sam Zell think he's an idiot, a newspaper delivery guy stole $200K from the New York Times, and the Boston Globe newsroom is threatened with a 23% pay cut if they don't accept the company's offer to cut their pay, in a different way.

Recession Kills SpongeBob

Forbes somehow calculates that Glenn Beck is the most "ultrafamous" celebrity in all of the media. All of it. Which might make you mad until you remember that Forbes writers are now expected to make up 8 listicles per day, each.

Recession Kills SpongeBob

Have you often asked yourself: "Why does the New York Times call its readers 'Users,' rather than 'Readers?!?'" Well, that question has now been answered for you. It's because all New York Times readers are on heroin.