The Way We Live Now: Telling Mormons we're not fucking interested. Just like before the recession! But now the Mormons are selling security systems, which you need to protect your secret stash of opulent home furnishings. Come back, Mormons!

Somebody (a genius?) figured out that, hey, you know where you can find some people used to selling shit door-to-door? That's right—within the Mormon community. But instead of selling "God" or whatever they call him in their cult, they're now selling home security systems, in Utah, for money, which, let's face it, is everyone's god now.

But will these security systems keep Mormons from ringing my doorbell? Ha, a little insensitive joke, there. But seriously, folks, we all need home security these days, don't we? Because we are wealthy but embarrassed to be seen with any telltale signs of conspicuous consumption, so these days we spend all our money on expensive home furnishings, see, so that our luxury is hidden behind closed doors, where the poors can't see it, and tear us to pieces.

Kristian Laliberte does this, for example!

Hey, if it wasn't a new Clive Christian kitchen, we'd be spending our ample money on first-class flights for dogs or paying off frivolous parking tickets, which is just the price you pay for driving an expensive car around Manhattan, amirite? Yes. So bring on the Mormons. And the guns. Lots and lots of guns.

Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.