Kate Gosselin And The Bounce House Of Death

Kate Gosselin angrily eats a popsicle, inflating a Bounce House of Death. Susan Boyle's back, bitch! So is Britain-Bound Britney. And someone makes a dumb pun involving Paris Hilton and a hard-on. Presenting your Saturday morning gossip roundup:

  • Susan Boyle's BACKINYOFACE, mothafuckas! She absolutely killed it on the first stop of the Britain's Got Talent tour, performing her standards from Les Miz and Cats [Ed: Blegh! I hate 'Cats.'] for a bunch of old church volunteers. Sounds like she's doing well, which makes everyone happy. [Daily Star]

  • Britney Spears brought her kids and boyfriend with her to England, and the babysitter looks so pissed and unhappy in these photos. Seriously. [PopSugar]

  • Yesterday was Kate and Jon Gosselin's 10th anniversary. She spent the day inflating a bounce-house, screaming at everyone, and eating a popsicle while her maternity amulet swung from her neck. Meanwhile, as you'll read further down, that bounce house is actually a BOUNCE HOUSE OF DEATH. [DListed]

  • Some British tabloid is putting bad slang for "an erection" in their headlines about Paris Hilton giving soccer star Christiano Ronaldo a boner, noting that she gave him an "Eiffel." Right. Anyway, Paris and Ronaldo are hooking up and she spent the day after walking around in her pajamas with Nicky and he spent the day after showing his homies her dirty texts that're probably puns just as bad as Said British Tabloid's. Maybe something about balls, perhaps? [Obligatory "that's hot" here.] And yes, I said "soccer," goddamnit! You can only call it "football" if you're European. Also, if you're European and watch soccer instead of Quidditch, you're an idiot. [Daily Star]

  • Pete Doherty showed up to court with a gigantic wad of cash after leading cops on some kind of wild car chace. This is the ninth time or something Doherty's been arrested this week, and at this point, the British legal system's just thrown up their hands and been like, "Fuck it!" Best part of the item: "Doherty "whooped" when he was granted bail on the grounds his manager Andrew Boyd would provide a £50,000 bond. He was ordered to obey a 12-hour curfew while not performing." Awesome. [Daily Star]

  • Reese Witherspoon debuted her own perfume line, and P*r*z Hi*t*n made a joke about how much Jake Gyllenhaal would enjoy wearing it. Cute. [P*r*z Hi*t*n]

  • Do you have any idea who Aubrey O'Day is? Neither did I, until I did my obligatory "research" (a single, wistful Googling): she was on Making The Band in that Danity Kane act, and it appears as though Diddy did not make her go get cheesecake. Anyway, she's just some D-List whatever, and she was really, really rude on the set of a shoot for some non-profit cause called the No H8 Campaign. Anyway, this could be real or it could jsut be a reach for PR by No H8, but, you know, non-profits reaching for PR isn't the worst thing, especially if they're trying to give me a decent item to run with. There are far worse things, you know? [P*r*z H*lt*n]

  • Lauren Conrad, wearing a strange wig for a photoshoot. [Just Jared]

  • Kristen Stewart, looking all punk and crazy and awesome with black stringy hair. Related: what happens when Twilight finally makes Goth cool for the popular kids? What happens to the Goths? Do they go shopping at Hollister? DO NOT GET. [Pink Is The New Blog]

  • Birds with arms. Weird! [URLesque]

  • Evan Rachel Wood went from hooking up with Nazi pube shaver Marilyn Manson to the guy from ER who was in A Walk To Remember with Mandy Moore. Nicely done. A Walk To Remember started with this great New Radicals song, and that's the only reason this item is here. Seriously. So I could post that. [Daily Star]

  • Not at all a Gossip Item, but: Six Flags is going bankrupt! Meanwhile, while I was researching something fun to write about this item involving roller coasters, I came across the aptly named tragedy-fetishist website, RideAccidents.com. Yes, every roller coaster and/or amusement park accident chronicled in one place, in what looks to be a fairly well-kept database, yet again proving that if there was something out there you weren't afraid of, the internet will make every attempt to put The Unimpeachable Fear in you about it. Including inflatables. Seriously: inflatables, Kate. Be scared. Be very scared. [NY Daily News]

  • President Barack Obama in a gossip roundup? Yes! Because this isn't deserving of any kind of actual news cycle: he spoke up in favor of nicotine legislation to regulate tobacco sales even as his press man Robert Gibbs dodged questions from the White House Press Corps about the president's smoking habits. It goes like this: cigs are bad, and any president who didn't say that or do something about them being bad is bad. But! He smokes, because he's addicted. And that's bad, too. But he's also in better shape than so many of the other presidents we have. God, life is complicated. [NY Daily News]

  • Not invincible from the recession: Baldwins. Stephen (who still has yet to match the brilliance of this in his career) is having his house foreclosed upon while filming I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. [Dlisted]