Oh, what a week. Let's take a look at what happened.
- Everyone felt bad for poor Ruth Madoff, who can't afford fancy clothes or glasses anymore. Actually, she can't really do anything or go anywhere! It's sort of like a permanent staycation.
- Something crazy started going down in Iran, with like voting and riots and stuff, I don't know. What am I, a Farsi expert? Anyway, I think it was all caused by a raging Teresa Giudice! You're a prostitution whore, Mahmoud!
- Bruce Willis and his wife are gross and weird. As are these two bumfucks.
- Nobody likes David Letterman anymore, because he's so busy word-raping people all the time, so he keeps trying to say he's sorry. It's not working, though! If you are a word-raper of little Alaskan eskimo babies like David Letterman is, you probably shouldn't stay at the Anchorage Embassy Suites, nor should you eat at the lovely Olive Garden they've got across the parking lot there.
- Jon & Kate died this week. I'm sorry. The 8 are fine. 8's all we need. 8 is... Well, you know. Anyway, the Joels died too.
- Speaking of horrible moms, this crazy lady will shoot you if you give her kids Funyuns. But would she let the precious darlings eat from Michelle Obama's magic garden?
- This crazy Fox News guy will just run you over and never look back, but then get arrested.
- Oh! Crazy Fox News guys! That reminds me. Glenn Beck is a stupid fathead fake cry baby. But he is also very, very rich. Deal with it, America!
- Everyone's laughing because Bill Clinton got a sexy lap dance. His wife's friends are all just mad at Dave Letterman. Because of the raping.
- This exists, because the world is stupid. This exists because the world is also fun and mysterious.
- Oh, isn't it sad what happened to Very Short List? Isn't it also sad that you'll never sell that script?
- Hey, look.
- Hi Liz!
- Bye, Iz the Wiz.
- Why must Republicans always be sending racist emails? (And be cheating on their wives?) Why must Hamilton always ruin our drunken fun? And, most importantly, why must James Franco's sexuality be so confounding?
- We must bomb North Korea. Unless they get us first.
- OK, that's about it. It sure did rain a lot this week. Sigh. At least this is nice.