You probably think Swine Flu isn't still the stylish pandemic to be a part of. Guess what? Swine Flu still thinks it is! In fact, it's the hot new disease of the summer. So 2009.
Lest you think Swine Flu is "The Wackness," there's irrefutable evidence that people in awesome places have to get Swine Flu, too. Take, for example, a cruise to Aruba: sounds like a decent place to be, right? Nope. They got flu'd. And not only that, but they also only got a partial refund on their trip. Bummer.
And summer camps! You think you can just ship the kids off this summer, away from the madness of sickness and death in the outside world? Think again, because Swine Flu is far more of a ruthless pandemic than you think it is. How ruthless? Try a camp for kids with muscular dystrophy. Mother. fucker.
Swine Flu also doesn't care about your god! For example: youth church groups in Texas. They've been Swine'd! There will be a shortage of Kool-Aid and free bibles at the end of the river near tubing pick-ups this summer. Sorry, non-Swine'd tubers. Also, they're a chorus. Swine Flu: taking out young, angelic voices since early May.
But Swine Flu certainly likes irony. Take, for example, a bunch of Jewish summer camps located in the Southeast United States, one of which I actually went to for nine years: they've been Swine'd, too! Camp Coleman, I'm sorry, but this is bacon's bitter revenge for depriving us of it for eight weeks a year. The Traif Sick knows no boundaries, and because of such, Coleman's first session was shut down, leaving a bunch of counselors there for four weeks with nothing to do but get paid. And probably really, really high. But it also refuses to discriminate: our rival camp, Camp Ramah Doran, also got it as well. Suckers.
Unfortunately, Ramah, which is run by a bunch of evil socialists who think it's also okay to give their campers air conditioning [Ed. Bitter, much?] apparently is keeping camp open for the summer! They're quarantining the sick campers in a part of camp they've dubbed "Camp Wellness," because when you pay that much to get rid of your brats for the summer, you think you're letting them come home return-to-sender? Hell no.
The Summer Of Swine continues unabated. This thing ain't going nowhere. Our advice: stay in whenever you can. Use hand sanitizer! Be afraid. Stay in on the weekends. Continue to click on lots of things on this website while you're avoiding human contact.