Great White Sharks are exactly like Jeffrey Dahmer except they have fins and swim in the ocean and use their jagged gaping jaws as weapons, says a new report from scientists who were never heard from again.

Great Whites aren't just floating around there in the water waiting for some nature documentarians to come around and record them snapping up stray seals that happen to wander by. They are sitting in dank basements, chain-smoking, watching snuff films, and making creepy, obsessive collages of pretty seal co-eds while sharpening their incisors.

Great white sharks have some things in common with human serial killers, a new study says: They don't attack at random, but stalk specific victims, lurking out of sight...They attacked when the lights were low. They liked their victims young and alone.

God damn it, where will it strike next? We can't be everywhere, Jim! These academics try to reassure us with the assertion that "The great whites attack to eat, not for their jollies," but tell that to Jeffrey Dahmer will you smart guy? Sweet Jesus, is there any difference between an ocean-dwelling cartilage-filled prehistoric predator and a modern human sociopathic killer? Any at all? We're begging you!

The human criminal has to worry about being caught by police and thus is even more careful, said Rossmo, who was a police officer for more than 21 years in Vancouver, British Columbia.

Shark Cops: Our only chance.