Handicapping the Jon and Kate Announcement ThingS

What is today, America? Lo, it's the day when Jon and Kate Gosselin make their big announcement on the reality show they have, with their kids, on the TV. This could save gossip magazines! We rank the possibilities, below.

America is inexplicably fascinated with these child-rearing maniacs—a brood of kids, an unhappy marriage, what could be better to watch? I can think of literally thousands of things, but that's not the point. The point is that these people's "dramatic" lives make Americans buy gossip magazines, meaning that an entire bloodsucking industry (ours, more or less) now depends on these two purely random walking warnings against fertility drugs. The possible outcomes of tonight's show, ranked from least appealing for gossip mags to most appealing:

1. Divorce—it would be a big story for a week, at most, then die out. These people would gradually be forgotten and maybe their kids could grow up in peace. That doesn't move magazines.

2. They made up! They're staying together!—This would be good for a few weeks of crap—the original stories, then the follow ups on "How they did it," etc., and updates on how it's going for as many weeks or months as the public's interest would bear. Which wouldn't be all that many because, let's face it, happiness doesn't sell. (This was the winning guess in our poll last week, btw).

3. Separation, followed by endless rounds of reconciliation, spats, and counseling—This is the gold mine. It's an entire season's worth of marital drama all by itself. It drags everything out. It offers no easy resolution, just more arguments and paid. Which are television gold! This is what Bonnie Fuller thinks will happen, and she is an expert on momentary celebrity and its discontents.

So you all watch tonight and see what happens and talk to Richard, not me, about it, please lord.