Perhaps prompted by the recent exits of blabbermouths spilling secrets, controversial religion Scientology has extended another large, bony arm of its latest promotional campaign guaranteed to rope in… who knows?
Maybe people who have a lot of money and want to give it away? Little children who are looking for things in dark, scary tunnels? It's hard to tell.
The bottom line is, even if you don't know it, you're depressed. Or, at the very least, you have some very serious emotional problems. And that's why Scientology is here.
"But is there some way you can sell me on the idea of Scientology in the vaguest, creepiest terms possible, answering all and none of my questions at the same time?" you ask?