Amish Chickens Flee McMansions

The Way We Live Now: Stripped up, ripped up, shacked up and backed up. From the chicken plant recession war to the Amish RV salesman slinging jelly to the empty rows of McMansions—getting paper is a life-threatening hobby.

Did you know that Amish people were allowed to work in RV factories? Apparently the Amish are a bit more *permissive* than you thought, if you know what we're saying. Anyhow, god has conspired with the economy to solve this problem by seeing to it that Mr. Freeman Wingard, Amishman, was laid off from his RV-making gig, forcing him to start selling jellies and jams and quilts like a good Amishman should, not some damn modern contraption designed to take people to and fro but not closer to god.

In this way we see that—at least for one of the largest Amish communities in Indiana—the recession has an upside. And for fans of jelly, as well! But there is indeed a darker side to that shining Jesus no-money cloud: and, as always, chicken plant workers are the ones to suffer. Pilgrim's Pride wants to close its Douglas, GA chicken plant. The city wants them to sell it off and save the jobs. Things happen, back and forth, and at one point the company CEO writes an official email including the sentence "we need to remove chicken from the market," which is just a great collection of words.

Also hurt: the chickens.

Most depressing of all: "A new study out Monday by the American Institute of Architects shows that Americans have fallen out of love with McMansions." People want smaller houses. Great, just great. You've given up, America. You're letting down the Amish dude who needs to sell more RV's so he can stop getting up at 3:30 a.m. to put jelly in a fucking jar. You're letting down the chicken plucker who needs to sell more chicken so he or she can continue to live in Douglas, GA, and not be forced to move to an even cheaper, shittier small town, wherever that may be. And most of all, you're letting down yourselves. Don't you deserve a McMansion? One that you can buy with a cheap, no-ID loan, and pay back with home equity loans? I think you do. I think you do, America.