Yesterday now-legendary conservative horndog Mark Sanford admitted that he'd "crossed the lines" with a "handful" of women not named Jenny Sanford during his marriage to Jenny Sanford, but claims he never "crossed the ultimate line." So what did he do?
Assuming that Mark Sanford considers the "ultimate line" to mean boning, though it's certainly possible that Mark Sanford's "ultimate line" is less than conventional, he claims that, outside of his wife, he's only stuck his red, white and blue pee-pee into Maria Belen Chapur's Latin ladybox during the time he's been married. So based on what we know about Mark Sanford's personal history, let's make a few educated guesses—errr—baseless conclusions about how Sanford may have "crossed the lines."
Paying for professional handjobs—Mark and Jenny Sanford met while both were living in New York and working on Wall Street. This is where the early part of their marriage took place. Now, it's an open secret that Wall Street dudes love "rub-n-tugs," i.e. Asian massages that feature "happy endings." Could we see Mark Sanford frequenting such places? Absolutely! Though we've personally never been to one of these fine establishments, we have many friends working on Wall Street who do frequent them, and we have absolutely no trouble seeing Mark Sanford slinking in to one of these joints during his lunch break or at 2AM after a night of cocktails and cigars for a handjob. And if you're in the market for a "massage" yourself, our Wall Street friends sing the praises of "Bonnie" at the West Garden Spa. They tell us she's "a real workhorse."
Sexy online chat sessions— By now everyone has read Mark Sanford's seductive emails to Maria Belen Chapur. What woman can read Sanford's vivid descriptions of humming diesel engines and tan lines and not become moist in the nether regions? Mark Sanford is the Erica Jong of American politics! So it stands to reason that Sanford has spent time verbally sexing strangers on the internets, in freaky chat rooms and such, which is likely where he honed his considerable erotic literary skills. Mark Sanford is probably one of those people posting ads in the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist seeking someone to "sexy chat" with. We always wondered who those people were!
Lusting in his heart and loins—We know that Mark Sanford is an Episcopalian and according to author Bill Bonner, the Episcopal Church has the hottest babes filling the pews.
"Throughout all of Christendom, no group has more attractive churches – nor more fetching women – than Episcopalians."
So it stands to reason that Mark Sanford has spent many Sundays in church feeling lust in his heart for other women, just like that sinning liberal communist Jimmy Carter, in church no less, which means that Jesus will personally lash him about the genitals with wet bamboo when he finally gets to heaven, if God is even willing to let him through the pearly gates that is.
Masturbating in other people's homes—After Mark Sanford left Wall Street, he and Jenny moved to South Carolina where Sanford worked as a real estate broker. Now, real estate brokers, as you probably know, are notorious for pleasuring themselves in the properties they're showing when no one else is around. This is some sort of cheap thrill that they all seem to enjoy, and if there's one thing we've learned about Mark Sanford, it's that he loves cheap thrills.
Pony play—People in South Carolina love horses. So it stands to reason that...Oh Nevermind.
Feel free to add your own reckless speculation in the comments.
Previously: Things To Do In Buenos Aires Without Your Wife