Fat Men + Skinny Jeans= Salvation

The Way We Live Now: Emasculated. Figuratively, as The Man gives us a few extra pennies in Welfare even as cops yank our falafel-cart permit; and literally, because the fashion industry must sell skinny jeans until all balls are crushed.

New York City is increasing its welfare payments for the first time in almost 20 years. Outrageous! As hardworking Americans are laid off, these lazy layabout poors are going to have even more incentive to lounge around living a life of leisure on their new, increased, free government payments of....(consults newspaper)...$321 per month for a family of three, or $151 per month for a single person. Handing the poorest of the poor an extra $30 per month could allow them to branch out into purchasing luxuries such as soap. Do we as a society want that?

Not really, just as we don't want people who work all day in food carts to take in too much money, or put out too much money. The city wants to revoke the permits of 500 street food vendors, because, uh, they may have paid too much for these permits, on the open market? Or something? Rather than issue more permits so that people don't have to pay so much, let's throw them all out of work. That, sirs, is the American Way: To say Fuck You, Sirs. Fuck You Straight to the Garbage Heap.

With the poors taken care of, Americans can get down to the real issues: buying skinny jeans. We must all buy skinny jeans, lest the jeans industry totally collapse. Skinny jeans for men are quite literally the only thing keeping fashion afloat in these times of garbage bad dresses and packing crate hats. Of course, skinny jeans have a limited market here in fat America. What to do? Skinny jeans for fatties. They're coming.

Levi Strauss & Co. added room in the seat and thigh in its newest skinny jeans for men. True Religion added what it calls a "four-way stretch" spandex material to its line of men's jeans selling for between $172 and $398...

The brands also hope the changes will make their skinny jeans appeal beyond the urban hipsters, skater-types, rockers and hip-hop fans who already wear them to men with meatier legs. "I'm an avid cyclist and need to have more room in my jeans because my quads are getting worked on so much," says Michael Ball, co-founder of premium denim brand Rock & Republic, which late last year added stretch to its men's skinny jeans.

Ha, yes, of course, the average American man requires spandex in his "skinny" jeans because his legs are gargantuan due to pie avid cycling. Salvation is just around the corner. USA.