Pope Wants World's Money, For ShoesS

The Way We Live Now: Under the thumb of the papacy. The Pope is calling for some super-Illuminati to rule the world economy. No need, dude; we had one already, called Ikea. And it's laying people off.

Pope Benedict told his cult followers today that we need to create a "world political authority" to oversee the economy, and things like that. Sure, it's all couched in calls for "ethical" economic behavior and the end of "sin," but what are we really talking about here? We're talking about an Italian gangster in some shiny red shoes trying to corner the world market on everything. The last thing we need is yet another shadowy, ungovernable body whose primary accomplishment is to be written about by wingnuts in dark tones. We have the UN for that.

Ikea thought it could rule the world, with particleboard. We all went along with it. Whether you supported the Ikean empire directly, buying new crap and paying them to put it together, or indirectly, buying used crap off Craigslist, or even by declaring yourself too cool for Ikea and thereby giving them free publicity, we were all implicated in the Swedes' rise to the top. Now it's crumbling. Ikea's founder says that despite cutting 5,000 jobs already, more layoffs will have to come.

And where are we all to go? Home Depot? Wal-Mart? Neither of them have any lingonberries on-site. Might as well just lay back and enjoy the summer as a homeless person. When things get really bad, you can always pawn your jewelry.

Except, oh no, jewelry stores are all going broke. DRAMATIC ENDING OF DOOM.
[Pic: Getty]