College: where drunk kids are guinea pigs for social science. The funnest college-kid studies involve race, because they make everyone uncomfortable! Now comes a new study of interracial college roommates that proves we're all terrible. A racial breakdown:

If You Are White:

• Your black roommate makes you uncomfortable.
• You make your black roommate uncomfortable.
• You are far more likely to "break up" with your roommate if they're not white.
• You will not be affected academically by your roommate's race, because you care only about your own kind.

If You Are Black:

• You will do better academically if you have a white roommate, maybe in an effort to overcome your inferiority complex.
• Or maybe because you just don't like them and can get some work done.
• If you have a white roommate, your own "positive emotions" will decline.

If You Are Asian:

• Not only are you more racist than any other group, you also make those around you more racist. Scientific fact!

If You Are of a Race Other Than These:

• You are not as interesting to social scientists.

Jerks, every last one of us!
[NYT. Standard college diversity pic via. Original pic removed because Mississippi State University doesn't like to ever be associated with racism.]

Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.