Very few famous people died this week! (Though, to be fair, a couple of them still did.) So we passed the time worrying about other things.

• RFK and Jackie Kennedy were in love! And they're both dead so we can say that without getting in trouble. But no one is in love with Ruth Madoff, anymore. So she had to move under a bridge. At least she is not stuck in the violent third-world nation called "Williamsburg."
• Diablo Cody made a movie, about that robot lady, with the boobs.
• Michael Jackson was memorialized, over the objections of various Republicans.
• And why would Republicans object? Maybe because, like college students and Perez Hilton, they are all racists? Especially this terrible woman, with the Facebook. And, obviously, Brian Kilmeade.
• Why, oh why, did Sarah Palin quit Alaska? For 100 reasons, each as unique as a snowflake. But you will not hear any of them from your biased MSM!
• We changed how the comments work.
• Barack Obama looked at a lady's butt. Or so we all thought! It turns out that he didn't, really. But all the people who weren't invited to his little off-the-record party won't report that inconvenient truth!
• Everyone is gay, says everyone. And yet naked Bruno is not allowed on our magazine covers! (Though he is allowed to present our Top Ten lists.)
• Oh, speaking of, Borat is back!
• Have you ever wondered if, legally speaking, you are a promiscuous slut? Well, just wait for the New York Post to call you one, and then sue them. (Spoiler: you'll lose.)
• The NYC Prep mutants went to Mexico, and the Real World kids remained in Mexico, and a bunch of moguls hung out in something called Sun Valley, which we think is on Tatooine.
• Agyness Deyn and James Franco are lazy, regular-hipster celebrites for a new generation of not really giving a shit. God bless them.

Send an email to Alex Pareene, the author of this post, at alexp@gawker.com.