Harry Potter Wizards Dream Of Gossip Girl While Jon Gosselin Dreams Of Ed Hardy's Sparkles

Harry Potter and Gossip Girl finally meet in the middle, Jon Gosselin wants to capitalize on the worst fashion trend in the History of the Universe, Robert Pattinson's good in bed, Jim Carry's a scary grandparent, and celebrity DUI time!

Presenting Your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

  • If the cast of Harry Potter could hook up with anyone, two out of three respondents went with Gossip Girl cast members: Daniel Radcliffe to Blake Liveley, Emma Watson to Ed Westwick. Rupert Grint struggled to come up with an answer and just went with Jessica Alba. Weak. [E!]

  • Jon Gosselin is meeting in St. Tropez, France, with Christian Audigier, the uberdouche behind the embarrassment to fashion as well as the idea of anything having any kind of aesthetic whatsoever, Ed Hardy. He might be getting a job with Audigier. For those who haven't been blinded by them yet, they're shirts with rhinestones on them that sometimes have these slits in them and, jesus, I don't even know, they're just so fugly it's far beyond my mental capacity to understand how this is now a multi-million dollar business. Remember Von Dutch? It's like that to the nth degree. Yes, I would rather have, I don't know, a crying eagle pissing in my eye while draped in a neon American flag tattooed to my face than wear one of those shirts (and no, you may NOT use that idea, Audigier). Hopefully he won't dress any of his children in those deadrags of mid-life crisis desperation because that would just be cruel and unusual and then they'd have to be remanded into the custody of Mugatu-esque Karl Lagerfeld and you don't want that. You really don't. 'Cause he'll eat them. [TMZ]

  • Haley Joel Osment would like you all to stop making I SEE DEAD PPL jokes, now. Meanwhile, he's throwing the mack down on girls in the subway. So if he isn't seeing dead people, at least he's seeing game. And game recognize game. (?) [TMZ]

  • Kristen Stewart laughs off rumors of her and Robert Pattinson being pregnant. Things she shouldn't laugh off: the dangerously insane teenage Twilight fans who'd rather see her replaced with a cardboard box. Honestly, I kind of hope she is preggers with his vampire baby, because it'd be a great looking kid, and Twilight fans need to go away. Vampire fetishisizing is for 42 year-old oversized goths, and it should stay that way. [NYDN]

  • You know how your grandfather would make funny faces at you as a kid, and sometimes they'd be funny, and sometimes you'd be like, stop it, old man, you're freaking me the fuck out. Well, imagine if your grandfather was Jim Carrey. Exactly. His 21 year-old daughter Jane is preggers with her husband, fellow musician Alex Santana (important detail: "(Alex is) known as "Nitro" in his rock group, Blood Money."). Meanwhile, Jim's still dating Jenny McCarthy, and the two of them must make the weirdest faces at each other in bed. Do not want. [NYDN]

  • Rachel Ray had vocal chord surgery, and this is one of those things were the joke writes itself, but you don't even want to make it. In this Kangaroo Court, there are far worse grievances against humanity than maybe sometimes sounding annoying while patiently teaching you how to cook better, because you're a moron and don't know an egg beater from a spork. Also, this is sad, 'cause her voice had this strangely sexy Kathleen Turner-when-she-was-hot raspiness to it. Get better, crazy cake lady. [People]

  • Artie Lange got a DUI. Shocker. He rear-ended someone while drunk. I'm sure he'd turn that into a really shitty joke. But this is great: ""He was extremely cooperative," said Capt. Steven Henry. "He was a gentleman."" Love that Artie Lange is probably so familiar with the procedure of a DUI, he probably practically did it for the cop. "This is how you cuff me, my wrists fit this way," etc. Lange was last seen in a hysterical, amazing appearance on the first episode of Joe Buck's new HBO show. Said appearance got him banned from HBO Sports for life. [Page Six]

  • I'm sorry, can we just say it, though? Lady Gaga is a fucking mouthbreather. And when she's not using it to breathe, she's using it to say ridiculous shit like this: "I've gone bankrupt about four times now. My manager wants to shoot me. Every dollar I earn goes on the show. Now we're finally getting to a place where it's not bankruptcy. Then again, with another tour coming up soon I'll probably be homeless again." Also, please click on the link so you can look at the picture of how my mind feels about Lady Gaga. Seriously. [Showbiz Spy]

  • Robert Pattinson is "amazing in bed." Naturally. I don't doubt this for a moment. Thank you, Robert Pattinson, for making the rest of America feel like their sex lives aren't yours. [Showbiz Spy]

  • Justin Timberlake is creating a scent. Besides smelling nice, it will be funnier, more chaming, nicer, come from more humble backgrounds, sing, dance, talk, listen, knit, and play backgammon better than you ever have or will. Also, it will smell like Saturday Night Live at least nine times a year. [E!]

  • Lauren Conrad's book has been on the New York Times' bestseller list for two weeks, now. Aspiring novelists, this makes you feel how? Inspired? Insipid? Funky fresh? [People]

  • Rupert Grint and Emma Watson felt pressure to get their kiss in the new Harry Potter movie right. Emma Watson's going to school at Columbia or Brown, and reports have gone both ways, and I can't even handle Emma Watson going to school in New York because this city absolutely needs more magic and with her exquisite knowledge of magic things should get better for everyone, especially those pricks on 116th. Things will be magical for everyone! Anyway, Daniel Radcliffe also gets a kiss in the new movie with Ginny Weasley, Sister of Ron, and - oh, yeah, sorry: spoiler alert - and gave a wire reporter an awesome quote about it: "I saw the film again a couple of nights ago at the premiere and ... my God, my lips are like the lips of a horse, kind of distending independently away from my face and trying to encompass the lower half of hers." Yeah, still get that feeling sometime. Lesson: none of us are Robert Pattinson. [Reuters]

  • Maura Tierney's going away for eight weeks. Sad, scary, if only because of the ominous nature that her publicist is playing off the way she's probably going to some kind of rehab (an "eight week medical evaluation"). [E!]

  • Jennifer Anniston personally paid for her entire crew to have an extra day off for the July 4th holiday. Nice. [People]