This week started with Goldman Sachs making billions in profits, and starting the Wall Street Pay Machine back up. Now, JPMorgan Chase has also posted a spectacular second quarter profit. Well. What could go wrong?
JPM put up a $2.7 billion profit in Q2. The New York Times attributes this to "stellar trading and investment banking results." The WSJ attributes it to "stellar investment banking results." So to what do we attribute it, financial professionals the world over are wondering?
Look, we'll level with you: we, ourselves, are not technically Wall Street financial professionals. We are not "qualified," in a strictly credential-centric sense, to interpret and analyze the finer points of investment banking strategy, or even to be trusted not to mysteriously lose our own money, last seen in the pocket of our jeans as we sat down on the G train.
What we do know how to do is to make broad, sweeping sociological pronouncements with a grain of truth. And we will tell you this right now: This will not end well. Not just for America, but for Wall Street itself. Hey bankers, you thought the original recession was bad? Wait until the false economic revival peaks, and then shatters. Wall Street's own sense of relief at a return to the go-go times will result in more rich guy assholedom than ever before. Sure, they'll cover it up for a while; but the bottle service and strippers and Greenwich mansions and conspicuous consumption and outrageous pay rates will return stunningly fast. But this time, people won't just hate you out of envy; they will hate with a revolutionary zeal, knowing that public money bailed out your shitty ass banks from the fiasco that you started in the first place, and now, as soon as profits return, you banking assholes are back to being the same assholes you were before.
And then the false economic revival will stop, and recede, and you'll all be left on the empty beach, pants down, blow gone, hookers left, gas tanks empty, Rolex waterlogged, mansion foreclosed, without a friend in the world. And then the class rage really starts. If you guys know what's good for you, you'll invest in charity and guns while you have the chance.