Jon Gosselin: Never Getting In Minetta Tavern On My Watch, But Can Go To Mars 2112 Any Day

Jon, Kate, and the Cabal of 8 hit the streets of New York and their crew's already beefing with people. Also, Robert Pattinson's a shitty tipper, 50 Cent's a shitty real estate buyer, Mischa Barton's sad and crazy. Happy Sunday!

  • Oh, christ. They're here: Jon and Kate's Spawn Of 8 have landed in New York City for some kind of TLC marketing event. While Jon sets up his gangsta-ass bachelor pad of Ed Hardy shirts and Malboro Reds and probably a Foosball table or something, Kate - who I genuinely feel bad for, now, if only because we're all learning exactly what kind of douchebag was hiding in that repressed manchild of a human being she was married to - was taking questions from her kids in the vein of "are we there yet" and "when will we officially be able to call our existence tortured?." Meanwhile, what the hell is TLC doing dragging them to New York for a marketing thing? Also, the midgets from TLC's midget show (not it's actual name) were there and so were some other people. Anyway, if you happen to see them above ground or below ground, I don't know, keep the kids away from the tunnels and don't let them go to Mansion with Dad. In fact, they should all probably be rounded up and kept in a glass case at Mars 2112 so we can show tourists what we think of them despite stimulating our economy: yes, we look at you, especially when your kids are screaming about getting a bottle of Vitamin Water, because we want to beat you with one. Truth. Oh, and apparently, the paparazzi and security guards surrounding this nonsense got into a fight and Jon was nowhere to be seen because he was probably trying to (unsuccessfully) get into Minetta Tavern. Sorry, man, but it ain't happening. [People and People]

  • Robert Pattinson's sucking the blood out of New York's service industry: he's a shitty, shitty tipper. He closed the place out and went just short of 15%; kid, you've got a lot of learning to do. Everyone in this town tips 20 or gives blow jobs to make up for it. Amirite? Anyone? Well, it's how I learned the hard way. [Celebrity Spy]

  • White rapper Asher Roth was called out by fans after telling a crowd of celebrities (including Stephanie Pratt, "celebrity") that he'd just graduated from Cornell. They all toasted him and his fans were like, dude, you went to some shitty junior college and he went into his next song. Ha. White rappers are silly. [NYP]

  • David Arquette apologized for calling Latin women "nuts;" this sounds silly, but really, takes one to know one, right? As far as being crazy goes, however, David has no experience in that. Am I suggesting he's secretly a Latin woman? Yes. Yes I am. [US]

  • Gangsta-ass Lindsay Lohan is getting back at her stalkerazzi with a squirt gun. I used to do this to my overzealous cats. I'd pretend they'd be trying to take pictures of me and I'd be like, NO, BACK OFF and squirt them and run in heels. More fun than it sounds, especially when you have a New York-sized apartment and too much vodka lying around. [PITNB]

  • A billionaire whose kid is in NYC Prep is mortified at the behavior of his kids, but secretly thinks Richard's recaps are the BEST THING EV-AR. Maybe? [Page Six]

  • Other terrible item: Michael Jackson was apparently kicked really hard in the balls by Joe Jackson at one point, so much so that he was unable to reproduce later in life. Basically, Joe Jackson is the worst human being ever, or something. Question: would we have Michael Jackson if Joe didn't abuse him? Answer: no. [WWTDD]

  • Latest victim of the housing crisis: 50 Cent. Our friend Fitty neglected to ask "21 Questions" about how much his 19 bedroom, 37 bathroom Hartford house was going to be worth a few years after he bought it, but he just had to cut the price down from $14.5M to $10M. He says he's tired of the commute into New York - heh - and wants to downsize. But Fitty! Where will you take a shit when you're home now that you will not have a bathroom every two feet? This is dangerous business, we're talkin'. Oh, also, the house used to be owned by Mike Tyson, so, not that it's cursed, or anything. [NYP]

  • Remember Limp Bizkit, the band that defined a generation of high school freshman for life? Frontman Fred Durst got married, and then played a reunion concert in Vegas last night for the first time in nine years. Somewhere, someone in a Von Dutch hat is screaming about his rain dance working. [People]

  • Sigh. This is genuinely sad: Mischa Barton's on suicide watch after being institutionalized by friends after a three day coke binge. She was going nuts and going to kill herself. On a separate note, I think when the producers of The O.C. killed Marissa Cooper, they killed a part of Mischa Barton. If you watched the show all the way through to the end of the third season, you would understand this. Not that I did. Just sayin'. Get better, Coop. [NYP]

  • Ha, yeah: that "salt solution" Octomom-Lady's kid was taken to the hospital for in yesterday's roundup? It was from one of those "make your own volcano" kits. Which, like, what was a two year old doing around that? Then again, it's nice to see she's got high standards for them. Anyway. Public opinion still has her going in a volcano, so, yeah, maybe she's just starting her own intelligence agency and research arm made up of her children. Nice. [Daily News]

  • Aw, shit: French President (say it with me) SAHER-KOZE-EE! went running in Central Park and even his bodyguards are great looking. Anyway, he stopped to say hello to admirers who let him know how much they'd like to do his wife. He smiled and said thank you and I know, isn't she great? [Daily News]

  • Ultimate Blind Item: Rush and Malloy's big 'scoop 'o the week is a callgirl who says she's got yet another fuckhead-y governor who took her out on three hot dates. Who is it?! As a proud former citizen of the great state of Nevada, I'd like to nominate wackadoo asshole Jim Gibbons. Jim, I'm rooting for you. Anybody else? Oh, also in hooker trivia, Bernie Madoff apparently paid Spitzer's madam's girls to give him back rubs. Just back rubs. Evil's so weird. [R & M]