Kim Jong Il's Three Sons: A Douche, A Gay, A "Brilliant Comrade"

Someday, one of whacked-out demon leader Kim Jong Il's sons is going to inherit the porcelain throne that is North Korea's government. What makes the spawn of a psychotic despot tick?

In an article that would make Freud convulse from the grave, the male offspring of this creature from movie-lovin' Hell suffer serious daddy issues. Here's your primer, from eldest to youngest, in who may one day lord over the Malnourished Empire of Malevolence.


Kim Jong Il's Three Sons: A Douche, A Gay, A "Brilliant Comrade"S


Kim Jong Nam - The Douchebag

Jong Nam was detained in Tokyo for using a fake Dominican passport. He was trying to visit Tokyo Disneyland.... [S]eems more concerned about acquiring, or at least wearing, bling. He has been seen in Macau sporting Armani caps, and Bur-berry and Polo Ralph Lauren shirts and sunglasses.

How Nammie felt he, a Korean, could pass for Dominican is beyond us. Maybe, just maybe that Republic is more diverse than we think. Uh, no. Wanting to party at Disneyland, and sporting da sunglasses and da Armanay, Nam has zero interest in ruling a dictatorship. Yes, he's a douche, and yes, he's the better for it.


Kim Jong Il's Three Sons: A Douche, A Gay, A "Brilliant Comrade"S


Kim Jong Chol - The Gay

In school, he wrote a poem:

"My Ideal World." It begins: "If I had my ideal world I would not allow weapons and atom bombs anymore. I would destroy all terrorists with the Hollywood star Jean-Claude Van Damme. I would make people stop taking drugs…" He wrote a somewhat chilling short story called "My Father Was a Ghost," in which his father haunts him by pretending to be a spirit.

By some accounts, his father regarded him as too soft to take power.

In other words, Daddy weren't a-gonna have no sissy queer lord over the land, even if he's got pop's same taste in men: Jean-Claude Van Damme. A world without weapons, bombs and terrorists is inconceivable to Daddy, as is the endless years of psycho-analysis in that ghostly short story. The Tea and Sympathy-ness of Chol is touching. We wonder what his ideal world would have? We're guessing rainbows, dance music and summer weekends at The Pines.


Kim Jong Il's Three Sons: A Douche, A Gay, A "Brilliant Comrade"


Kim Jong Un - The "Brilliant Comrade"

When he was 7, the son was allowed to drive a Mercedes 600 with adjusted seat heights. He was also allowed to drink alcohol and dressed in a military uniform from an early age. At 12, after his younger sister had the temerity to call him "brother," he demanded that she call him "General Comrade." He was concerned for his people, after a fashion. When he turned 18 he supposedly said, "I get to ride Jet Ski and enjoy watersports, Rollerblading, and horse riding. But what are ordinary people doing?"

The middle son might break out in Camelot's "What Do the Simple Folk Do?', but Jong Un the Youngest reeks of pushy baby despot and is proud papa's first and only choice. At 26, everyone must call him the Brilliant Comrade in a slimy display of kiss-assery. One look at some entitled rich kids reveal the demon they're destined to be. For example, this spoiled brat.

Photos of the two younger sons are their childhood yearbook pictures. Obviously, they're all grown up now, but few public photos of them exist. Fade to ominous black...