Finally there will be one film to definitively separate stunted adolescent douchebags from regular people (besides Boondock Saints): Atlas Shrugged! Ayn Rand's million-page epic tale of monologuing in a ravine is going to be a movie.

Charlize Theron would like to star as Dabney Coleman Dagny Taggart, the lady who runs her brother's railroad and enjoys violent sex with secretive entrepreneurial geniuses. But there is a problem: the book has not ever been filmed because it is terrible and involves a climactic 70-page monologue about radical libertarianism!

Typically, Hollywood will just bastardize a difficult text, seizing hold of a novel and wrenching it into something sellable, like a Rand hero conquering a Rand heroine. But in this case, the pansies don't want to hurt any of Ayn's precious words, so Charize is selling it as miniseries to a pay-cable network Lionsgate and MGM and Viacom/Paramount are all starting, apparently.

And if they don't start shooting by 2010, the rights to the book will lapse! And that would be a disaster, for everyone!

We've developed a magical engine that will transform the book into an entertaining, crowd-pleasing blockbuster, but because of useless statists and weak-willed bureaucrats we are going to destroy it and run away to live in a Gulch. Then we will take over the world!

Send an email to Alex Pareene, the author of this post, at alexp@gawker.com.