Colonel Kate Major's War For Jon Gosselin's Soul

Jon Gosselin's pissed Kate Major's lying about them being together. Another parent peddles her kids for money when really, she should be a Spider Man villain. Lindsay Lohan gives me Gwyneth's GOOPy runs. Happy Saturday Morning, here we go:

  • Jon Gosselin, sigh, is now vehemently denying any kind of romance with Star Reporter Kate Major, and has now become part of a gossip cycle where everyone - including yours truly - is being played by some guy who helped a lady pop out eight kids and a Star reporter. Apparently he told somebody at Zombie Radar: "Oh my God, I can't believe she did this to me...What do I do? She's totally [expletive] me over!" Well, the first thing you should do is stop talking to people at Zombie Radar. If it's advice you're after, you should ask someone from Radar 3.0. They'd know what to do. The second thing you should do: have a vasectomy. Make sure you can never, ever procreate again. It's just a bad idea. The next thing you should do is burn any clothing you've purchased over the last few months. Then you should tell Kate Major to go away. Sell the place you just bought in New York, and move back to Pennsylvania. Get a place nearby (it can even be your "gangsta-ass pimp pad" or whatever, if that's really what you need) so your wife - ravenous with power over your guys' eight little moneymakers - can not raise eight human beings whose sole reason for existence is to talk about what a fuckhead they think you are, because if you leave her to her own device, that's exactly what she's going to do. She will raise eight people who will inevitably hate you, only kind of hate her, and be way more like her than you. And if the world goes to war with each other and everyone has to take a side, you'll be lucky if they don't bayonet you. And that's what you get for hanging out with a Star reporter. She's saying that you guys are bumping uglies and you're surprised?! Jon Gosselin, sigh. [NYDN and NYDN]

  • Oh, and he wants his own reality show. Seperate from Kate and the kids. Please give me your tenative titles in the comments, I'll be busy having an ulcer. [E!]

  • Speaking of terrible parents churning out children for the sole reason of creating a profitable enterprise, Octomom - who should be the next Spider Man villain on name alone, and I can't be the first one to think of this: she throws her children at you and they beg you to take them away, she's powered by Zombie Radar and her Achilles Heel is the sad apathy of the world which isn't so much sad as it is generally fair - just signed her kids into a labor agreement. Each kid gets $250/day, and she's looking at around $250,000 over three years, and the other six kids...don't get nothin'. Yeah: so eight of her kids are getting paid for the reality show, the other six get bupkes. Which won't create any kind of inferiority complex. At all. [NYDN]

  • When you think "Lindsay Lohan" and "shakes," you probably think of a reaction involving sniffable drugs, particularly, imported South American Class A narcotics that fall under the "stimulants" family (Anexcitablefamilyforsure!). Well, in this instance, you'd be wrong: she's getting an ice cream shake named after her! She showed up at the same L.A. shop that Kim Kardashian and Heidi Montag got shakes named after them at 1:30 A.M. to promote her new shake. It's a mix of Vanilla Ice Cream, Chocolate Swirls, and Oreo Cookie, which is essentially an Oreo Blizzard. Then again, the results probably more than resemble a common reaction after a long night of blow, ew, so maybe you were right the first time. Mind: out of gutter, into toilet. Truly. [Page Six]

  • Newsflash: Jessica Biel spends lots of time in the gym. [ShowbizSpy]

  • Walking slutty Halloween costume Megan Fox thinks she looks hot. There should be a national referendum on this: Can you get past Megan Fox's freaky thumbs to think she's hot? I'd vote "Yes," but only because I have a thing for freaky appendages, specifically thumbs. [Showbiz Spy]

  • Kelis thinks her new son is perfect. Well, yes. For one thing, there's only one of them. For another, he's GOD'S SON'S SON, SON. [US Weekly]

  • So, Gwyneth Paltrow, who took a road trip across Spain with Mario Batali and Mark Bittman but wouldn't eat anything but fish on the trip - seriously - yesterday showed her GOOP readers how to cook chicken. Some Daily News writer did a helpful play-by-play of the video, which includes quotes like this: "I feel inspired to cook all the time...It's sort of what I lie in bed and think about at night which is maybe a problem." On the one hand, yes. On the other hand, your mans is Chris Martin, and he's busy mourning his career before it's already over and walking around looking all sad in a cape. Marital bliss: a wonderful thing. Hopefully your recipes don't call for any apples and you end up accidentally cooking your ridiculously-named child. [NY Daily News]

  • The L.A. coroner's office is being investigated for leaking details of Michael Jackson's death to the press for cash. Meanwhile, it occurs to me that this would've made for a great episode of Six Feet Under. [AP via NYDN]

  • Jude Law hit a female paparazzo (paparazza?) in the face and thinks it's funny. Jude Law: dick! [PITNB]

  • Joe Francis is awesome at being Professionally Sleazy: he bought off guards in jail at Reno by having his homeboy drop off Cartier watches, gift cards to Saks Fifth Avenue, and, uh, a big screen TV? Anyway, the cops just got busted, and Joe Francis is somewhere getting some girl who turned 18 yesterday to take her top off for a hat. [TMZ]

  • LeAnn Rimes is learning how to live without her husband, because they've been living in separate digs for a while. More interesting than this is the fact that People thought this item was worth picking up, on, and also, remember, like, twelve years ago? [People]

  • Ha, Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock doesn't really care for Robert Pattinson. [People]

  • Ashton Koosher says Meesha Barton's "doing great." Take it from him. Honestly, he probably doesn't know the first thing about doing drugs, because WHO WOULD WANT TO DO BLOW WITH ASHTON KOOSHER? Just sayin. [Reuters]