America's Health Care Plan: Bacon GumS

Actual chewing gum scientists have determined that chewing is good for you! But only the chewing of gum. Non-gum scientists have determined that people chewing too much bacon are breaking our health care system.

The newest reason to chew gum? It makes you healthy, allegedly! Also chewing gum can be an economical way to curb your hunger when you are so broke you cannot afford food because of this horrible recession. Gum companies have graciously dug into their own pockets to explore the frontiers of chewing science, coming up with stunning conclusions such as "Research conducted in the area of chewing gum and cognitive performance is complex." Gum freshens breath and whitens teeth!

Everyone chew more gum!

On the other hand: chewing does have a dark side.

A crisis in obesity is placing a heavy burden on the nation's health costs, with annual medical spending on an obese person $1,400 higher than on someone of normal weight, according to a new study published in Health Affairs.

Science has conclusively proven that obesity is caused by chewing, of bacon. To sum up: If you must chew bacon, make sure that it's bacon-flavored gum. This is quite literally America's only hope.