That is not one of our "jokey"-style headlines! Rather it is a quite accurate summation of the true state of affairs in the world. Tanning beds will give you cancer for sure, scientists say. Adios, Jersey.

A new analysis of about 20 studies concludes the risk of skin cancer jumps by 75% when people start using tanning beds before age 30...
The new classification means tanning beds and other sources of ultraviolet radiation are definite causes of cancer, alongside tobacco, the hepatitis B virus and chimney sweeping, among others.

They are also "as deadly as arsenic and mustard gas," pale scientists say. Well fuck it bro, scientists never get any hoes anyhow. Don't stop till the bodies drop!