A Survival Guide For Hollywood's Poorly Paid Assistants

Starting tomorrow, assistants toiling away inside of the tumultuous WME talent agency will be dealt a 25-30 percent drop in their salaries. So how will Hollywood's well- dressed underclass survive on their food-service wages? Here are some friendly tips!

Before the talent agencies merged into one beast, William Morris Agency paid their assistants a higher rate than their competitor Endeavor. So to level the playing-field of broken dreams the newly formed WME decided to by drop their entry-level wages from around $13.50 to roughly $9.50.

Though there were some rumblings of a walk-out when the salary cuts were first announced, it's doubtful you'll see any Armani-clad assistants hopping up on a chair and singing solidarity forever in protest over the brutal cuts. So here's a cost saving survival guide for the meagerly paid Hollywoodhelpers.


1. Get off the fucking the Tracking Board!

The Tracking Board is a subscription based message board that Hollywood's assistants love to traffic. There they can dish on script specs, casting news, and which boss deserves the most spit in their latte. But access to the Tracking Board costs $49.99 a year! So while it's a great tool of catharsis (and networking!) with the rise of Twitter we're sure you can get your message (PLZ SEND HELP HARVEY HAZ A CATTLE PROD) out on the cheap!

2. Get the Screenwriting App instead Final Draft!
No need to spend a $135 bones on fancy script writing software! Who says you can't a meaningful tome about a uniquely rebellious lighthouse keeper who is in 'the dark' about women on your iPhone!?

3. Screw the movies! Just hoard the screeners!
Who doesn't love plopping down on a plush seat to watch the newest Kathy Heigl vehicle about the 'true nature of love'? But is it worth more than what you make per hour? Probs not! You've got access, you have an Xbox, suffer through that never-touched screener of 17 Again and stay in tonight.

4. Your family's prescription drugs are cheaper than cocktails!
People, if there's anything this recession can teach us is that life is better lived through pharmacology. Your lil' sis in the tunic and the white Jetta is hopped up on 'Lord Knows' What because her Brentwood shrink says she has 'problems focusing'. Use whatever she's popping instead of a Red Bull to plow through your day. Your real estate agent dad is stressed cause he can't flip that condo in Encino? We're sure the man has some Ativan to help you deal with your bosses tantrums!


5. Start a mean blog about the assholes you work with!

Nikki did it and so can you! You guys, $400k/year is knocking, aren't you pissed enough to take it?

If all else fails there might be some Executive Ball-Washer openings in publishing! Best of luck!