Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo's Plastic Shiny Pink Birthday Meltdown Is An Epic Tragedy

Jessica Simpson's breakup was caused by her idolatry of a plastic toy. Amy Winehouse has fun adventures with a private dick. Lindsay Lohan's employed, Saved By The Bell, Charles Manson, Mary Cheney, and more. Here's your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

  • Jessica Simpson wanted a Barbie-like existence with Tony Romo, so much so that she wanted him to dress up as Ken (and her as Barbie) for her birthday party. If true, this is sad on five different levels, chief among them: (1) the relating of inanimate objects to having a desire to inhabit their manifested-in-reality counterparts, (2) the ideal for a relationship that is now absolutely shattered, something that was probably fairly delicate and precious to her, (3) the stark realization that this existence simply doesn't exist in life, but the existence of having a breakup because you (insanely) wanted to make your boyfriend dress up as a Ken doll and that was the braking point? That existence is very, very real. Honestly, just blame all of this on Joe Simpson. Did you know he had an Arcade Fire song written about him? It's true. Anyway, this filled me with a deep sadness the way, I don't know, reading Arthur Miller plays can. [Showbiz Spy]

  • Lindsay Lohan got a job in the new Robert Rodriguez movie. It's a full-length version of Machete, which was initially conceived as a trailer for his joint collaboration with Quintin Tarantino, Grind House. So: she just attached herself to a pretty decent project. Let's hope she shows up to work on time. [D Listed]

  • Saved By The Bell cast members banned Screech from the reunion because (A) he's a perv and (B) he's writing a tell-all and (C) they had to bring him along for the College Years, didn't they? Zach Morris aka Mark Paul Gosselaar noted: "What is he going to say?" Gosselaar asked sarcastically. "We were (bleeping) groupies at 14?" which is kind of funny. They weren't! [NY Daily News]

  • Kate Gosselin bought a condo in Rockville, Maryland: definitely not ex-husband Jon's Manhattan Piyimp Pad, but it'll do for now. It's apparently an hour away from her bodyguard, and also: Kate's dating a bodyguard, Jon's dating a twenty-something girl and walking around wearing Ed Hardy. Wow. It's like someone beat their cosmic existence with the Iron Book of Cliche. But E!'s running a nice picture of her smiling, so that's nice. [E!]

  • George Clooney has a girlfriend who at one time modeled nekkid, and some blogs have picked up the pictures. [Egotastic]

  • Awesome. Mary Cheney is a total diva, just like her neo-con sociopath of a dad. No, really: that's what the item's about. Her sister would get a new SUV for her secret service detail, and Mary would be like, why isn't that one mine? And they'd be like, well, because you're the lesbian and we want to keep you as far in the closet as possible. Literally. Okay, last part isn't true, but probably. [Page Six]

  • Gerard Butler likes to check out girls without being spotted by paparazzi, apparently, which is, uh, tragic? Especially when you're doing it at parties? [Page Six]

  • Favorite gossip item of the week: Jasper Johns and Edward Albee, sitting around, telling jokes about turtles. I kid you not. [Page Six]

  • Prince William's girlfriend Kate Middleton gets business advice from Richard Branson. I get business advice from the guy at my laundromat who thinks tax evasion is legal. Unsolicited, but appreciated nonetheless. [Showbiz Spy]

  • Rapper Drake tried to hit the stage while recovering from an injury and fell; his knee buckled out from under him. More and more, I'm starting to think his career is just a viral DeGrassi ad campaign. [TMZ]

  • Charles Manson is running a business in prison, and having guys pen his signature for him, and thus, is still manipulating people into doing his bidding. Gotta hand it to him, though, for his entrepreneurial spirit. What's next, a blog network? Also, he makes "cloth scorpions," so if you were even remotely concerned about whether or not he's still totally fucking creepy, well, he still is. [Page Six]

  • Mark Wahlberg got married. He said hi to everyone's mother in person. [People]

  • Emma Watson wants to start her own fashion label, and it's going to be "green," and more magical than all the other fashion labels. It will probably perform light magic to counteract the dark magic of Mugatu-esque designer Karl Lagerfeld. [Showbiz Spy]

  • Amy Winehouse hired a private investigator to spy on her ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil's every move so when they go to court, she can list all the reasons why nobody should ever give him a penny. But Hollywood, are you listening? Amy Winehouse and a Private Investigator is the potential new hit of the fall season, and surely, we could crush Mad Men's chances at ever winning another Emmy. Get in on it before I actually sell this. [Showbiz Spy]

  • The Twilight people launched a website for their new movie and somewhere, thousands of trackpads have already been broken with the furious clicking of their psychotic teenage owners. [E!]