The Way We Live Now: Revenge-d by the nerds. Statisticians are the new Hedge Fund Guys. The less math-y among us are just marks for con artists and shady Metrocard machines. But: hot stock tip, below!
Nerds who love numbers so much they should marry them used to go into "quant" hedge funds and make like millions of dollars, but that business has fallen off, thanks to the work of algorithms devised by those same geniuses. The new way to make $125K right out of grad school: be a statistician. Moneymaking jobs are getting even more boring than "corporate lawyer," if you can imagine.
"I keep saying that the sexy job in the next 10 years will be statisticians," said Hal Varian, chief economist at Google. "And I'm not kidding."
Look, if the Poindexters have all the smarts and all the money, they cannot have all the sexy. It is just not fair. Leave the sexy for Arthur Kade. Do we need a supersexy master race of calculator-toting statisticians figuring out new ways to scam us online by telling us to wire money to some fictional character who will then give us a job, because we are unemployed? No thank you, we would prefer to be scammed by unsexy people.
We are also being scammed by inanimate Metrocard vending machines.
Do not lose hope, unsophisticated jobless suckers! We have a hot stock tip, just for you: a tattoo removal firm is holding an IPO. Get in now. This will be awsome.