Well Maybe Working at the Wal-Mart Wouldn't Be So Bad

The Way We Live Now: Still unemployed, why the fuck do you keep asking? Hamptons parking sticker theft can only keep us going for so long, ya know. If New York doesn't get a Wal-Mart soon, it's panic time.

The thing that makes America great is its hustling spirit, and nowhere is that more evident than in the many new and creative ways we find to rob and steal from our wealthier neighbors to stay afloat. Instead of paying $25 for a parking sticker in the Hamptons, people are stealing them. Why is this news? Because everything that happens in the Hamptons is news, and also because, ha, one of the people that got robbed was Calvin Klein, can you imagine the look on his smug rich face when he has to stand in line at some shitty municipal office all day to get another parking sticker?

You can rob his car again while he does so.

Sadly, robbing Calvin Klein is not an industry large enough to support America's teenagers, all of whom are out of work because they do not hold the advanced degree now required to land a Taco Bell job. The only hope for our most unskilled and unemployable citizens: Wal-Mart. And it's trying to get into NYC again.

Wal-Mart has tried this before. They were handily run out of town by the unions and told not to come back lest they find their automobiles burglarized for their parking stickers, and also maybe they would "find" a baseball bat contacting their shins at high speed, because you ain't from around here is ya, Wal-Mart? So back then Wal-Mart went on home, to Arkansas, (or Florida), where they are against unions, because unions are communists. (And homos??). But now everything has changed because there is no more money and hello, your old friend Wal-Mart is back, with jobs, to move into NYC! Wal-Mart would like to move into a poor neighborhood somewhere in an outer borough where they will be welcomed, and unions still say they will put up a big fight, but will they?

We hope they can keep Wal-Mart out. But we're not optimistic. Cause in our great nation these days, if you're not working at the Wal-Mart, you're working at the casino. And nobody's working at the casino any more.