God Wishes His Disciples Weren't So Broke

The Way We Live Now: Splendidly! Assuming we're in one of the right fields: Wall Street trading, administration of 501(c)3 canine charity groups, or lottery ticket buying. Everyone else: buzz off, brokies. That means you, Jesus!

You may have been despairing of late that "B-list" Wall Street trading firms were not making out like bandits during this recession. Calm your fears. The owner of Schonfeld Group Holdings LLC, for example, is doing fine:

He says he made $200 million last year and just moved into a mansion near the Long Island Sound with its own nine-hole golf course. He has spent $90 million on the home, he says, and is currently erecting a poolside cabana designed to look like the Cove Atlantis resort in the Bahamas. "I don't think it's putting anyone's face in it," he said recently while showing a visitor around the property. "I live in this house."

The opportunities are out there, people. Just stop being lazy and grab them. Animal charities are suing to get more of Leona Helmsley's fortune distributed to "dog welfare" causes. One good example of "dog welfare" would be ensuring that presidents of "dog welfare" charities have well-compensated jobs.

A fella in Kansas by the name of Ed Williams won the lottery twice this year. You can't tell me money's not out there for the taking.

But then you have your losers—your wastrels, your bums, your drags on society. Churches, we're talking about. They're going broke. Not practicing Jesus-like frugality, clearly, and we'll leave you to judge whether they're practicing chastity, or whether these economic problems they're having could be related to fornication, with whores. Next thing you know you're getting a divorce because you couldn't talk to your pastor about how much your wife nags you now that you've been laid off, because your pastor has also been laid off, after spending all the church's money on whores rather than lottery tickets.

Jesus wept, because of churches. He's fine with Wall Street.
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