This week in sex and death: everyone who isn't gay, broke, or dead will be soon.

• The gays were so gay, this week. Levi Johnston married Kathy Griffin, because he is a gay icon. A Miami news anchor was fired either for being gay or for being a big ol' drama queen. Perez Hilton launched his lady-hating lady site. Cartoon characters were outed. There might even be gay Real Housewives!
• Thankfully, the straights were not entirely left out. Alex Von Fustenberg is very straight. Very aggressively straight! He will hit you, Reggie Miller.
• Oh, and Annie Leibovitz continues to spread chaos and disorder wherever she goes.
• And Lady GaGa might not be a lady! (She is a lady.) (The Rod Stewart thing is totally true though except it happened to Stevie Nicks and it was cocaine and it was in her vagina, which Lady GaGa doesn't have.)
• Don't ever fucking listen to cops, because all cops are liars. And don't show them your weed.
• Craigslist hookers are using secret codes, now.
• We can't wait for Law & Order to portray hipster grifters and victims!
• No one likes poor Sienna Miller.
• Conde Nast is running out of money, and so there is no more Orangina. Except at Graydon's place. He pays his mortgage in Oranginas, actually.
• Twitter is nothing but psychos and Martha Stewart violence porn.
• Ruth Madoff is innocent!
• Google thinks you are probably an Arab if you fly into JFK instead of LaGuardia.
• This is how the world ends.
• Someone's going to take a shot at Barack Obama, because he Spammed America, with Sarah Palin lies. It might even be one of these proud, patriotic Americans!

Send an email to Alex Pareene, the author of this post, at alexp@gawker.com.