Every publication enjoys the "pleasure" of hearing from their readerships often, but especially from crazies, who love to write in. Today, someone's helpful ideas for the beleaguered, layoff-happy New York Observer, involving Jews, horses, and the "Heroic Destiny Squad."
When Jared Kushner isn't busy firing some of the city's best reporters, insulting the remains of his staff, or taking the "sloppy seconds" approach to venture capitalism, he might be too busy to seek help in one of the New York Observer's more neglected blind spots: Equine Relations.
Lo and behold, then, the Heroic Destiny Squad, who thinks they (or he) can be part of a symbiotic relationship with the Observer regarding the salvation of the horses who escort tourists through Central Park on buggy rides. And also, because Kushner's a Jew, he already works for this dude. Your front-running nominee for Totally Batshit Correspondence of the Year, we present: the New York Observer's Crazy Horse Guy.
From: Justin Massler
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 2009 07:45:11 -0400
Subject: Important Message for All New York Observer Reporters
Good day reporters of The New York Observer, would anyone like to help save horses on this fine summer day?
I will explain the situation I am writing in regards to.
As some of you may know, many horses are currently imprisoned as slaves being forced to pull carriages in Central Park for the amusement of tourists.
My name is Justin Massler and recently I was appointed by Angels to be the King of the Jews in the tradition of previous Kings such as Moses, David, Solomon, and Jesus.
I have been ordered by the God of the Jews to free the horses who are enslaved as carriage pullers in Central Park for the purposes of restoring freedom to the lands, much like how Moses himself had to free the Jews from their enslavement in Egypt so many years ago.
I have decided to commandeer The New York Observer for this purpose which I can do since it's owned by Jared Kushner who is a Jew and therefore one of my subjects which makes his properties subject to emergency commandeering if it is deemed necessary for Divine Purposes.
Anyways, does anyone want to help with this cool elite mission of animal rights heroism? We can use The Observer to launch a propaganda campaign to ban horse carriages and influence public opinion against this unjust practice.
I am therefore recruiting reporters from this paper to take part in this noble cause.
The website of my hero team is http://www.heroicdestinysquad.com/ so you can see that I'm legitimate and not just making this stuff up.
Hopefully someone will respond to this in a positive manner and I won't just be ignored by every single person like has happened to me before in the past which is a depressing thing to have happen, but I suppose such are the trials heroes such as myself must endure in our quest for justice at any cost.
President of Heroic Destiny Squad
Also, does anyone know Jared Kushner's phone number or personal e-mail address? Or better yet, does anyone know where he hangs out?
I figure since he's the owner of The Observer I can commandeer it more quickly if I just get Kushner to agree to this plot himself.
I tried sending him a message before but I think he's trying to avoid me even though I'm his King which is like how sometimes kids try to hide from their parents. Is it true he lives at 21 Astor Place above the Starbucks? If so I can just try to find him at his house and talk some sense into him.
If anyone can give me any info on where this guy can be found it would be much appreciated.
He is legitimate and not making this stuff up. Moses sent him! Or something.
He is also scary and possibly insane, and this is the kind of stuff we get routinely, too! Good to know all publications of all stripes can still find common ground in the batshit people who take time to write them this kind of stuff.