Jesus. Will you people please, please STFU about Mad Men, the third season of which premieres tonight? [Ed. NO!] Fine. For people who'll be opting out of watching this evening, here're your five talking points/excuses when discussing at work tomorrow.

These Are Your Excuses For Not Watching Mad Men Tonight

1. It's boring. It's not like 24, or one of those shows were shit actually happens. Dude gets drunk on martinis at lunch. Dude gets undercut by younger dude. Chick gets pregnant and maybe goes crazy. Dude smokes. Dude gets drunk. Dude cheats on wife. It's like the 37 hour-long version of Revolutionary Road without Michael Shannon going all batshit in it. The era Mad Men was set in was boooorrrrring. They didn't have the internet or really good drugs, or people to write like 12 year-olds on the internet on really good drugs for you to read. Also, only boring people get bored, and these people are bored all the fucking time.

These Are Your Excuses For Not Watching Mad Men Tonight

2. Everyone's talking about it. No, really: everyone. The show has reached absolute fever pitch, and you want to be able to enjoy it in a bubble, without other people giving you perspective, telling you what to think, what they think, and why certain things about the show are a certain way. Like anything else, buzz should exist in moderation. Fever pitch is a bad thing, folks. Look what happened to The Sopranos! Which Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner was a veteran of.

These Are Your Excuses For Not Watching Mad Men Tonight

3. Elizabeth Moss is a dealbreaker for you. Some people absolutely love the actress who plays Peggy! And some people completely despise her, because they argue that she was better when playing the president's daughter on the West Wing. Personally, I like her, but I'm still not watching the show.

These Are Your Excuses For Not Watching Mad Men Tonight

4. You're taking a political stand against______. You gotta be subtle about this one, but you can work it. Just be very undercut-y and passive-aggressive (much like the show's characters!). For example: you think the show, while trying to contextualize (drinking/smoking/infidelity/lying/passive-aggressiveness) sometimes fails, and people can get the wrong idea (because, really though, you know there're assholes out there glorifying Don Draper without actually getting the fact that he's an awful person). You're just, you know, not about that. Also, Page Six ran an item today about Jon Hamm - supposedly a diva on set these days - trying to get his girlfriend a gig on the show. You won't stand for nepotism!

These Are Your Excuses For Not Watching Mad Men Tonight

5. You don't have cable. Because you're trying to be fiscally conservative in the face of a recession! You are engaged in things like social activities, exercise, reading a book, watching a movie in a movie theater, seeing theater, or doing something that otherwise transcends the "second baseline of culture" (or something) that is longform dramatic television! Or, well, you're broke. Which is true. That works.