The Fall of the House of MortimerS

Oh my does New York have a heartwrenching chronicle of the disintegration of Tinsley and Topper Mortimer's marriage in their new Fall Fashion issue! It's like The Notebook meets NYC Prep. Break out the monogrammed hankies folks!

Spencer Morgan digs into the fairy tale romance of Tinsley and Topper, a romance that began as prep school teenagers with an aggressive make-out session in the fluffy white New Jersey snow, managed to survive years of Topper's drunken floosy-nailing and Tinsley's relentless social climbing, but effectively ended when a pair of men's dress shoes went undelivered in Palm Beach this past April.

As Morgan tells it, Topper was in Florida for the wedding of one of his longtime moneyed bros. Tinsley, the little trollop, was supposed to join him later at the rehearsal dinner and bring shoes for him to wear. That's where the trouble started.

But before the rehearsal dinner, Tinsley texted Topper to say she couldn't come. Mr. Mortimer was devastated.

"The guy was emotionally bottomed-out," said a lifelong friend who was at the wedding. He had to borrow shoes. He kept luring people away from the party, off to side rooms and corridors at the Jupiter Island Club, to ask their opinion on the situation. People he hardly knew. "I guess at one point he called Tinsley and he got the weird European delayed-ring sound-so he knew she was with this other guy. Then up on the altar he was gazing off into who the hell knows where. It was ridiculous."

Tinsley had run off to get boned by a German aristocrat/prince named Casimir Wittgenstein-Sayn, news Topper shared with some of the couple's friends.

Topper e-mailed his friends to explain: "I know I have involved you guys in our problems and that was wrong. Tinsley is at fault of course but Casi [sic] never gave her a chance to breathe even when I asked him to give us space. He was manipulative and overbearing. I love my wife and we are going to do what we can to salvage this marriage."

Apparently, the Europeans play dirty in the game of love and don't give a shit about proper American aristocratic etiquette, which seems to hold that the other party to an affair is supposed to stand down when the cuckold issues an "I say good man, could you please refrain from sexing with my wife for a while" request, something Tinsley's mother seems downright horrified over.

"Casimir is a handsome, charming, urbane, and glib man. Topper asked him to step aside and give him (Topper) a chance to reclaim his marriage. Though he told Topper he would do this, he has NOT. I believe that Tinsley is confused, and she needs time by herself to sort things out."

But despite it all, Morgan says that an exceedingly distressed Topper isn't ready to give up on putting the pieces back together again.

He's become a full-time smoker. He's lost weight. He wakes up at precisely 3:25 every morning and plays over and over the reality show his life became. Still, he hasn't entirely abandoned the idea that she'll come back. "I love my wife" is all he'll tell me.

Perhaps a duel is in order here?

Finally, I should note that reading Morgan's piece is much more fun when you read the quotes in a voice similar to that of the aristocratic characters at the table during the dining room scene in Titanic. You should go over and give it a try.