Lloyd Blankfein 'Looks Like Shit,' Is JewishS

Goldman Sachs is taking the whole "bloodsucking squidmonster" thing pretty seriously. CEO Lloyd Blankfein is losing sleep over how to pay out $11 billion in taxpayer financed bonuses without catching hell from anti-Semites like everybody. Heavy weighs the crown.

CNBC's Charlie Gasparino reports in the Daily Beast that Blankfein is "obsessed" with the hits that Goldman's image has taken after getting a $10 billion capital injection from taxpayers and $13 billion out of the AIG bailout. He's "looks like shit" because he's so worried about what's going to happen in bonus season, when he has to distribute that $11 billion bonus reserve. He's looking for a "brand manager" to rescue the firm's image, and Goldman insiders say that anyone who's royally pissed off that Goldman is simply harvesting taxpayer money as profits and handing it out to its obscenely wealthy (and occasionally pedophilic) employees in the form of bonuses really just hates Jews:

People inside Goldman tell me that some senior executives say they believe the onslaught of negative stories detailing Goldman's manifold ties to upper levels of government, charges that it somehow fraudulently profited from the subprime crisis, and now the press about the firm's record earnings is so out of proportion to reality that the coverage contains an element of anti-Semitism-subtly playing off the racist myth of a conspiracy of Jewish bankers controlling the world for their own benefit.

Blankfein might simply use the bonus money to buy back Goldman stock, Gasparino says, though that would risk an employee exodus. Mo' money, mo' problems.