Project Runway: A Hot Tranny Meth

Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to make a fabulous frock out of a pile of fabric. The delusion that people will like it. The vision to win. The delusion that it will actually happen.

And now we have sixteen more delusional visionaries who think they were picked merely for their talent and now for how much drama they'll bring to television. As has become the custom, the initial challenge on everyone's favorite fashion throwdown was for each designer to show off his or her unique viewpoint. They each had to make a dress that could be worn on the red carpet. This had something to do with a lame tie-in with the Emmys, possibly in the hope that one day this show will stop The Amazing Race's run of tyranny in the competitive reality category and take home a trophy of its own so that Harvey Weinstein can have one more bauble of validation.

With 16 contestants, it's hard to get to know each of them intimately (this episode seemed to miss our favorite feature of each episode: the barely-clothed, getting ready in the morning montage), but of course we have our snap judgments.

Who we hate:

• Qrystil: It is pronounced "crystal." We hereby dub her "Spell Check." Why do reality show contestants insist on spelling their names like drag queens? And you better watch out Epperson. Mr. One-Name-Like-Cher is our radar.
• Louise: She is Kenley part two. So far, she has managed to keep her cat in the bag. And it's a retro bag she bought at Beacon's Closet. We liked her modernist flapper dress and that makes us hate her even more.
• Nicolas: He says everyone in New York calls him the "feather prince." We live in New York and we do not. We call him a jackass. And if you say that everyone calls you something, they do not, you are trying to make it happen. Your name is Fetch. You will not happen.
• Anyone Who Says "Old Hollywood Glamor": There are two of you out there. You know who you are. And if OHG were so fucking great, it would still be in fashion. Now we just have some horrible simulacrum Rachael Zoe dictates, and she knows OHG like she knows a sandwich. Stop chasing it and find something of your own.
• Joan Cusack: The commercials for your Lifetime movie made us cry for you and put Working Girl in our Netflix cue.

Who we Love :

• Irina: We picked her as a finalist before we met her. We would be friends with her in real life and pick on people's outfits in the mall.
• Malvin: He is full of both vision and delusion, which makes him the perfect Runway contestant. Also, he is going to be a major font of bitchiliciousness for the coming season. Until he get's kicked out. We want him to come in sixth, mostly due to the fact that he stole Sanjaya's hair.
• Mood L.A.: Though it looks glam on TV, the NY fabric store is hard to find, harder to get to, and about as cramped as the doorway to a house party when all the coke runs out. This place is a giant maze of gauzy fabrics and we want to frolic there naked with Logan. We don't love Logan—but we'd bone him.

In the end, there were some designers that had vision: Althea, with her shimmering sheath with a feathered bodice, and Ra'mon-Lawrence, who was spared from the ridiculous name police only because he cooked up a slick, asymmetrical full-length gown that looked like it would have been Amy Adam's second choice to wear to the Oscars.

Of course, there was plenty of delusion: Carol Hannah's overdone monstrosity looked like a golem come to life out of clay to devour E! reporters on the red carpet and Shirin's transformer caplet-into-a-gown doohickey looks like it escaped a craft show just in time to make it onto television.

Christopher won with a short flared gown that reminds us of a pile of crushed VHS tapes that has been sprinkled with fairy dust and brought to life as a ballerina. Ari (a Samantha Ronson look-alike, who got kicked off by Lindsay Lohan, of all people) was kicked off for being the seasonal New-Agey contestant who doesn't sketch and likes to feel what the fabric is telling her before sewing.

For the rest of the story, let us go to the tape!

PS—As for Models of the Runway it is a horrible abomination. In it, a bunch of girls wander around talking about "my designer" like he's some unseen sugar daddy who "lives in Canada" but doesn't really exist. Their fate is completely dependent on the talent and whims of another, and when those talented, privileged few are done sucking them of their youth and beauty for their own gain, they toss the ladies back into obscurity without a second thought. It is exactly like life and therefore awful to behold. We will speak of it no more—but we will continue to bring you clips.