Aug 27, 2009 12:37 PM
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New York, 4:35 PM
Tue Feb 9
57 posts in the last 24 hours
The Way We Live Now: Third-worldin' it, yall! We are the world. We are the USA. We ride on little tap-tap scooters and buy coconut water from street vendors and smoke bootleg cigarettes. We know how you feel, impoverished masses!
The whole image of America as a shiny land of big money, big cars, and big food on big plates is really played out and passé, at least since we can't afford those things any more. Now it's Indian chic! Manila magic! The ambiance of Bombay and the mystique of Lagos add up to make us a truly global nation!
Still driving an SUV? Can it in favor of a scooter taxi! Scooter taxis are good for drunk people, and you are one of those, probably because of despair over your adjustable rate mortgage.
Still paying outrageous full price for cigarettes? Take advantage of the Indian cigarette vendors while you still can! Once Bloomberg puts them out of business, you'll be reduced to smoking loosies and beedies again, which will literally kill you.
Still drinking fancy robot-produced chemical drinks like Coca-Cola, or Popov Vodka? The new drink of "choice" is coconut water! It's delicious, and when you're eventually forced to abandon the rubble of America and float to Jamaica on a raft in search of work, you won't feel so awkward drinking out of a coconut, on the side of the road. You will have already acquired a taste for coconut juice! And human blood.
Still buying expensive "art" at auctions? Why not just loot stolen Picasso paintings from war-torn Iraq? Why do you think we went there in the first place?
Americans!
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Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.
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