The New York Times Discovers Penis Pumps

While America's medical debates rage on, many of its significant members, of all colors and sizes, limply, quietly weep to themselves: penises. But! This is one health care package making serious progress: flaccid penises demand innovation, as the Times discovered.

In tomorrow's Health section will be an article by one Ms. Lesley Alderman, whose wide, circumspect research deeply penetrates one of the key mysteries of the universe: how to further solve the problem of a limp dick. Those Viagra pills are too expensive! At $15 a pop, we learn, science has been forced to come up with alternatives. Like a so-called "penis pump", or a "vacuum erection device," Alderman writes. Behold the future:

It works like this: you place a tube on the penis and then pump the air out of the tube, which pulls blood into the penis. When the penis is erect, you then put a snug ring around the base to maintain the erection, which lasts long enough to have sex. The cost for the device, which requires a prescription, can run from $300 to $600, but most insurers and Medicare will cover part of the cost and the device should last for years. Even if you spend $300 out of pocket and use the device once a week, you'll be spending much less per year than on pills or injections. You can also buy a nonprescription pump online (even Amazon carries some) for as little as $30, Dr. McCullough said.

A non-prescription penis pump, you say? Available for your average consumer? Science is incredible.

When you're not inflating your penis with a Medicare-purchased vacuum erection device - which, it should be noted, is different than an average house vacuum, sans attachment - you can give "self-administered injections of alprostadil" a shot. Literally. It's a drug that helps blood vessels expand, and you mainline it straight into your procreation device with a hypodermic needle. Let's face it: there's no greater turn-on than a penis shot right before some good, sweet loving. Especially if you're high on Meth. The New York Times neglects to inform you that this innovation was preceded by AC/DC almost 20 years ago in the 1990 classic, "Shot of Love."

But the best way to regard upkeep of penises (or the keeping up of) is, as always, living a healthy lifestyle:

"Erectile problems may show up about three years before a cardiovascular event such as a heart attack or stroke," says Dr. Ira Sharlip, clinical professor of urology at the University of California, San Francisco..."There is increasing evidence that we can reverse erectile dysfunction with lifestyle changes," says Dr. Drogo K. Montague, director of the Center for Genitourinary Reconstruction in the Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute at Cleveland Clinic.

Great news for everyone but AC/DC, whose engorged testicles could get in the way of hopping on the treadmill. Otherwise, you, too, can begin your firm commitment to your penis, today. As with everything, exercise is tragically, sadly the final answer.