War Of The Rose-Colored Floaties: Jon and Kate Gosselin's Dueling Pool PartiesS

Old guys: Jon Gosselin's still around, Paul McCartney still has lady problems. Brody Jenner, Joe Francis: small penises. Pattinson, Stewart, and the sacred word. Fire Island, the East Village, Africa: we are the world. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

  • Jon Gosselin was the guest of honor at a pool party in Vegas. Whereas a pool party would sound like an enjoyable experience anywhere else, in Vegas, it's the sixth circle of hell. It looks something like this:

    Upon arriving on the red carpet, Gosselin told reporters, "It looks like we'll have a good time" – as 2,000 people danced and drank alcohol to the sounds of rock, hip hop and house music. Not everyone was necessarily happy to see him, though. As he walked on the red carpet, one bikinied woman stood on a railing and shouted, "Team Kate".

    Come on. Just, like, amazing. Note the detail of how she's in a bikini. Anyway, he got a bunch of numbers and apparently brought his mom there, too? This guy's just, yeah. The verdict's in. Team Kate, indeed. Oh, and MGM Hotel and Casino: Classy. [People]

  • Meanwhile, Kate—even though her hair could use some, uh, toning down—put the rumors about her being with the family's bodyguard to rest. They had their own pool party with the bodyguard and his wife, and E! helpfully points out that he patrolled the perimeter on an ATV, playing watchdog over the family. Since Jon was, you know, in Vegas. [E!]

  • Joe Francis says Brody Jenner has a small dick. First off: takes one to know one, BRAH. Second: the New York Times has some helpful news for Jenner! If he can't get it big, he might still be able to keep it up. Really, though, there's so much homoerotic tension between these guys. I've always secretly thought Girls Gone Wild is the kind of overcompensating shit someone deeply insecure about their sexuality would produce. Then again, who doesn't want a free hat, right? Community service. [D Listed]

  • Kelly Preston pulled out of a "grief panel" where she was going to discuss the death of her son, Jett. Nope. No more. Maybe because she'd get asked a question about the sketchy circumstances surrounding it, including (but not limited to!) the Scientology cover-up of Jett's autism. Unfortunately, you can only get so many Roger Friedmans fired, and once you run out, there are no heads to be put on corporate platters! And that happened. [NYDN]

  • Serena Williams and Common are hooking up? Did not know. There is, indeed, a light in celebrity gossip, sometimes. [Page Six]

  • See this plastic bag? It's the most beautiful thing in the world. And it costs too much for me to ever have. Name the movie! American Beauty star Wes Bentley is defaulting on his AmEx for $90K. Maybe he can sell some weed to pay the bill? [TMZ]

  • The first lady of oil-rich Gabon is in California living on food stamps? (A) Africa is crazy and (B) of course Page Six would pick this up. Love it. [Page Six]

  • The guy from Sum 41 and Avril Lavigne are "headed for splitsville" according to the Daily News. They get Gabon and you get this? Weak, Daily News. Sorry, but you just can't compete with geopolitical scandelousness with Canadian pop-punksters. [NYDN]

  • Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson don't talk about Twilight, like, ever. Dare not say they sacred name! Just like how media people never talk about the media. Really, though: I wonder if they're bigger Harry Potter fans. Don't forget, folks, Pattinson was Cedric Diggory waybackwhen. There's a distinct air of truth to this. [Showbiz Spy]

  • Tina Fey takes her FeyCay on Fire Island. Everyone there is apparently resisting the urge to make the Sarah Palin joke about Fire Island/Manhattan and Alaska/Russia. Which makes me concerned that the people in the Hamptons might be funnier. [Page Six]

  • Albert Hammond Jr. of The Strokes sold his East Village pad for less than $1M (ouch?) and him an Agyness Deyn are gonna move into a hotel for a while. 3:1 on the Bowery Hotel, 8:1 on the Cooper Square, but if they drop into The Hotel on Rivington, every last remaining shred of indie cred: gone. [Page Six]

  • Maybe I'm amazed that Paul McCartney still has the power to deal with all of these women coming in and out of his life. Then again, maybe I'm not, and he probably doesn't need your New York Times penile resuscitation squad to do so, thank you. His current lady, Nancy Shevell, is avoiding his last lady, Heather Mills, who's been stalking around his Amaganssett house. Which, I mean, pretty impressive, Heather Mills. Must get tiring, though, right? [Page Six]

And, on that note: happy Sunday. We'll leave it to the Walrus himself to take us out. Paul?