Why did Christian Torres go on a not-so-masterful spree of robbing the bank where his girlfriend worked as a teller, twice? "I agreed because my dream of entering the [police] academy [wouldn't have happened]. I couldn't afford my rent. I couldn't pay my bills."
NO JOKES COULD MAKE IT BETTER. Next, jury duty! An experience that is not so bad once they show you that patriotic video that makes you feel guilty for not wanting to do it and also once you get to eat mad vending machine snack food. Anyhow, our legal system hath descended into chaos because nobody can serve as jurors on long trials any more because they are the only ones supporting their households and they can't afford to be out of work in order to stand in judgment of their fellow criminals!
Now only rich people can be juries so we are all going to jail, for sure.
What is happening elsewhere in recession-induced crime trend news, you ask pleadingly? A freaking bomb went off in the Athens stock exchange, no doubt placed by a laughing anarchist or maybe communist who knew he would get away with it thanks to the recession-induced worldwide juror shortage. That, and a jazz musician fell asleep on the NYC subway and awoke to "find 2 cherished horns stolen." [Related: Is he The Devil???] Who will help him? Not the police, for they are off robbing banks.