With the fall of Michael Cera, the hipsters who run the world have gone into overdrive searching for the sexiest Man/Boy Alive. The landscape is littered with contenders but no clear frontrunner has yet emerged.
Below we evaluate the field and try to make sense of this all-important contest. Whose name are tomorrow's independent book store clerks going to scribble with little hearts around on in their mock-elementary school notepads?
The critical attributes: anemic complexion and disposition; fixed expression of terror at the big, scary world; credible devotion to obscure bands; still owns and fits into his childhood summer camp warddrobe. Past work with Kristen Stewart or Zooey Deschanel vital. Stutter strongly encouraged.
Candidates who were initially child stars have the strong advantage of being raised in hothouse environment which enforces stunted emotional development, like Catalina Island buffalo.
Joseph Gordon Levitt
Strengths: Looks as though he has been protected from sunlight since birth. Had small role in hipster ironic landmark Family Ties. Appeared in two classics of hoodie cinema — Brick and 500 Days of Summer. In the latter, had a relationship with a girl based on their common love of The Smiths. Went to Columbia University where he studied French Poetry. Maintains a website on which he features short films.
Weaknesses: Also appeared in 3rd Rock From the Sun which is decidedly not part of the ironic canon. Didn't ever wear a hoodie in 500 Days.
Kristen or Zooey: Zooey in 500 Days.
The Morning Line: On paper, this kid has it all. Would be a serious contender for the title even if Cera were still at his height. The only question is has he peaked and revealed too many hipster credentials too fast?
Strengths: Has perfected world class look of terror and befuddled amazement. Mother was a clown. Did entire film in 80's garb. Appeared in indie films while still very young.
Weaknesses: Despite perpetually adolescent jew-fro, mature range of expression is upsettingly evocative of burgeoning adulthood.
Kristen or Zooey: Kristen in Adventureland.
The Morning Line: A strong contender; making an 80's period piece was an inspired play to the hoodie base the importance of which can not be underestimated. However, outbreaks of adulthood can not be ignored and ultimately may prove crippling.
Strengths: Mother designed pop-up books. Specializes in playing intense and offbeat dreamers. Learned how to skateboard for Lords of Dogtown.
Weaknesses: Cleans up a bit too well, as demonstrated in Speed Racer. Conventionally not quirkily handsome. Tends towards athletic, active characters.
Kristen or Zooey: Kristin in Into the Wild.
The Morning Line; Has some strong off-beat appeal but ultimately might have soaked up a bit too much California sunshine in his Malibu youth to effectively represent Hoodie Nation.
Strengths: Hippie parents. Steady run of indie films. Broke into public view in a landmark young-man-confused-and-frightened-by-sex role in The Door in the Floor. Has experimented with alternative facial hair.
Weaknesses: About to go into the least hoodie realm in entertainment — CBS primetime sitcom land.
Kristen or Zooey: Neither, but appeared in The Informers with America's Ur-hoodette Winona Ryder.
The Morning Line: A long shot candidate, but if the front-runners falter, has some indie credibility.
Strengths: British. No one does silently suffering better. Plays guitar.
Weaknesses: Way way too good looking.
Kristen or Zooey: Owns the Kristen franchise.
The Morning Line: Naming Pattinson Tweeheart would essentially be like the Republicans nominating Dennis Kucinich, but with a candidate this strong, stranger things have happened in politics. If Hoodie Nation feels itself in danger, it may be willing to take some extraordinary risks.
Strengths: A Tweeheart Emeritus, in the event of a deadlock, could come out of retirement to serve one more term.
Weaknesses: In Funny People made a fatal change in type from mopey guy to annoying roommate — a hard role to position yourself as a heart-throb.
Kristen or Zooey: Neither but appeared a short feature with Natalie, which is kinda the same.
The Morning Line: America loves a comeback, but in the end being the Tweeheart is a young man/boy's game.
And most of all we wish good luck to the hoodied girls of America who will make this fateful choice. Our future is in your hand.