Fancy Georgetown University is being stalked by a sex criminal (nicknamed the "Georgetown Cuddler," cute) who breaks into women's bedrooms and assaults them as they sleep. Police have not been able to track down a suspect of this description:

"White male, 20 to 30 years old, 5-8 or 5-9, short dark hair, thin build, low voice. . . . White male, 6-2, 200 pounds, chubby, scruffy beard. . . . Hispanic male, 25, 5-10 to 6 feet, thin, olive complexion, cleanshaven. . . . Tall male, black, early 20s, medium build . . . White male, 25, muscular build, athletic, spiked hair standing straight up. . . .

"Here's one for you: Unknown Middle Eastern male."

Sounds like OBAMA.

[Washington Post]

Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.