What do celebrities dream of? If you're Charlie Sheen and Heidi Fleiss' been out of business for decades, your fantasies likely revolve around interviewing President Obama and nailing him to the floor over the Pentagon's secret role in 9/11.
Obama may be about to throw Van Jones overboard, but in somewhere out there, in an alternative universe, Charlie Sheen is striking back for the Truthers. In a breathtaking piece of fantasy journalism just posted on the web by the Two and a Half Men star, Sheen fleshes out his dream interview with the leader of the Free World in which he makes him confront the government's lies about the attack.
Sheen begins with an admirable piece of verisimilitude, in keeping with the mores of great fan fiction. Truly putting himself in the role of crusading journalist, Sheen swallows deep and reckons with the shackles placed on his imaginary profession:
I requested 30 minutes given the scope and detail of my inquiry; they said I could have 20. Twenty minutes, 1200 seconds, not a lot of time to question the President about one of the most important events in our nation's history. The following is a transcript of our remarkable discussion.
The stage is set. The odds against Sheen are a bazillion-trillion to one. How in a mere 20 minutes will a sitcom star break down the most eloquent speaker and glibbest debater the world has ever seen. At first, it looks like Sheen's imaginary editors have sent him out on Interview Impossible.
The President attempts to charm Sheen with flattery, and then after conceding, of the 9/11 Commission that he was "aware of certain "in fighting" during the course of their very thorough and tireless investigative process," the slippery Obama attempts to swat Sheen away with snide air-quoted references to the "facts" contained in the volumes of research the star has brought along for their encounter.
On the ropes, Sheen gets up, stands on his feet and charges ahead into the lion's den, speaking shame to power.
PBO – Mistakes were clearly made but we as a people and as a country need to move forward. It is obviously in our best interest as a democratic society to focus our efforts and our resources on the future of this great nation and our ability to protect the American people and our allies from this type of terrorism in the coming years.
CS – Sir, how can we focus on the future when THE COMMISSION ITSELF is on record stating that they still do not know the truth??
PBO – Even if what you state, might in some capacity, begin to approach an open discussion or balanced debate, I can't speak for, or about the decisions certain commission members made during an extremely difficult period. Perhaps you should be interviewing them instead of me. Wait, don't tell me; I was easier to track down than they were?
CS - Not exactly sir, but let's be honest. You're the President of the United States, the leader of the free world, the buck stops with you. 9/11 has been the pretext for the systematic dismantling of our Constitution and Bill of Rights. Your administration is reading from the same playbook that the Bush administration foisted on America through documented secrecy and deception.
From then on, there is no turning back as Charlie Sheen, hero fantasy reporter, parries the President with one fact after another, eventually withering him with his remorseless logic, presenting him with folder after folder of damning evidence, such as
Number 14; The size of a Boeing 757 is approximately 125ft in width and yet images of the impact zone at the Pentagon supposedly caused by the crash merely show a hole no more than 16ft in diameter. The engines of the 757 would have punctured a hole bigger than this, never mind the whole plane. Images before the partial collapse of the impact zone show little real impact damage and a sparse debris field completely inconsistent with the crash of a large jetliner, especially when contrasted with other images showing airplane crashes into buildings.
By then end, the President is virtually speechless, unable to respond to Sheen's incontestable evidence, he falls back on glib platitudes and limps out saying, "Well Charlie I can't say this hasn't been interesting. As I said earlier you've showed up today focused and organized. Regardless how I feel about the material you've presented, I must commend your dedication and zeal. However, our time here is up."
Truth has been told to power. But the walls of an empire will not come crashing down after just one imaginary interview. It will take thousands of imaginary interviews by celebrities, tens of thousands even, before power will look truth in the face and say, "Wow, Dude consider me skooled."