Judging American Idol's Excellent Ellen DeGeneres Deal

Finally! After weeks of anticipation, the nation can now sleep well at night knowing that American Idol has found a new judge to replace Paula Abdul. Her name's Ellen DeGeneres, and she's the best candidate for the position.

DeGeneres, who has to be the hardest working woman in show business, is absolutely ecstatic over the news.

I'm thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol. I've watched since the beginning, and I've always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I'll save from not having to text in my vote.

We too are thrilled thrilled, because it's just plain wonderful DeGeneres got this gig. First, she fulfills something we feared would be lost in Abdul's absence: genuine niceness. Sure, that Kara DioGuardi chick likes to pretend she's nice, but her condescending tone reveals her true colors. Abdul, though a bit off-kilter, brought some tenderness to an otherwise cut throat competition. As cynical and hard-hearted as we can be, it's nice to get a little unadulterated excitement every once in a while.

Another reason DeGeneres gives us a thrill: she's a lesbian. Shocking, yes, but it's true. After homosexual Adam Lambert made it so far last season, Idol producers are now publicly acknowledging — or, at least, accepting — the show's innate gayness. (Although, lesbians are far less controversial than those sissy boys, but still.) This isn't only a step for out celebrities, but for the show itself.

Third, DeGeneres is funny, and not sad, pathetic funny like the oft-ridiculed Adbul. She's a comedienne and can actually make us laugh, something that doesn't intentionally happen that often when Simon, Randy or that other girl judge contestants. So, that's good.

Finally, we feared that Idol producers would try to reinvigorate a long-lost pop star's celebrity status, as they did with Abdul herself. Or, just as worrisome, they could have tried to bring on a sensational, but ultimately pathetic, celebrity, like audition judge Posh Spice. Such a move would have looked either like a blatant, desperate ratings ploy or simply an attempt to make lighting strike twice. DeGeneres is well-respected, highly popular and, most importantly, still famous, all of which are good. Also, she doesn't need the money, which, we're sure, made contact negotiations a breeze.