Chicken Piss On Your SoulS

Remember those charming self-help Chicken Soup for the Soul books that went from bestselling lists to greeting card stores to the bargain bin? They can also be filed in the "Impetus For Irreversible Psychological Damage" section as well!

The New York Post gleefully reports today on Oren Canfield, the son of the Jack Canfield. Jack was the mogul whose self-help books became the gift-of-choice for depressed Christians, the broken-hearted, newly graduated, and petulant teenagers everywhere [Ed. Thanks, MOM.]. Well, it turns out Jack couldn't cook up a batch of Chicken Soup for the Soul in his own life if that shit was canned and microwavable in its packaging, according to a new book being written by little Oren. Notably, the Post makes a Soup Nazi joke (the article's title: "No 'Soup' for us — guru's kid"), and also use the caption 'CHICKEN' SNIT for the picture accompanying the article, before getting to the good stuff at the bottom of the bowl:

"He was the lying, cheating, conniving, manipulative inhuman son of a bitch who had left my mom when I was one and she was six months pregnant," Oran Canfield spews in "Long Past Stopping," which hits the shelves Tuesday. He said his dad abandoned his mom and brother to shack up with a young blond masseuse. After trouble with drugs and stealing, Oran eventually cleaned himself up. Now he lives in Brooklyn and is a drummer in a band called Child Abuse.

Emphasis mine. This is like that one time Dr. Atkins died of a heart attack and hypertension from eating too much meat and sodium. Doesn't it always seem like behind every attempt at self-help, there's something insidious and capitalistic and just bad at work? Maybe you're familiar with this statistic. If not, let Melanie Lindner's Forbes piece from earlier this year enlighten you:

Americans spent $11 billion in 2008 on self-improvement books, CDs, seminars, coaching and stress-management programs—13.6% more than they did back in 2005, according to Marketdata Enterprises, an independent Tampa-based research firm that tracks everything from adoption agencies to funeral homes. Latest forecast: 6.2% annual growth through 2012.

Though as it turns out, the kid's tell-all on what a shitbird Mr. Chicken Soup was actually brought them closer together. But, lesson learned: all the quotable stories and money in the world still won't buy you a kid who doesn't hate you if you're an asshole.