Okay, it's silly. Lady Gaga probably doesn't have a penis. But maybe she does. And now, there are rumblings that Lady Gaga has something incredible in store for tonight's VMAs. Let's go over this one more time. Update! Well...
I once wrote that The Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy is the birther movement of pop culture, but far more entertaining. I was wrong. The Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy is the one-armed man of pop culture, and tonight's VMAs could be its grassy knoll. This is exciting, if only because there's a substantial pop culture rumor out there that a chart-topping pop star has a cock. As recently as last week, Lady Gaga quoted her vagina as "offended" by these accusations. Her vagina would say that, though. This is part of the (literal) cover-up. Pay attention. Read between the creases in the fabric.
Much of the nonsense started when Gaga went BlaBla and was quoted as saying:
It's not something that I'm ashamed of, just isn't something that I go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but I consider myself a female. It's just a little bit of a penis and really doesn't interfere much with my life. The reason I haven't talked about it is that it's not a big deal to me. Like come on. It's not like we all go around talking about our vags. I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I'm sexy, I'm hot. I have both a poon and a peener. Big f*cking deal.
And then the world of pop culture went that's totally ridiculous and completely absurd but OMFG! Lady Gags is a bizarre one—I mean, she's a pop star claiming to be a hermaphrodite—so it could be true.
Then she had a performance where she leaped over a motorcycle and hey, that thing in your pants, IT KINDA LOOKS LIKE IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE PENIS.
Closer examination would reveal that it could be a snag in the fabric, or, I don't know, an enlarged clitoris. Think about it! Clitoromegaly—which, I promise, you do not want to Google Image unless you're a rising OB/GYN—is a "congenital anomaly of the genitalia" in which basically the clitoris could be mistaken for a very small penis. Lady GaGa, in all of her infinite wisdom and ego, might have mistaken this for a penis. And she did sing "Poker Face," which, come on. Think of the innuendos. People didn't think "Blister In The Sun" was about masturbation—why, I don't know, because it really is—until the Violent Femmes were like, yes, it's about masturbation. "Poker Face" is about Lady Gaga using her genitalia to, well, poke the face of her victims. To the lyrics!
I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be
A little gambling is fun when you're with me I love it)
Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun
And baby when it's love if its not rough it isn't fun, fun
The gun, of course, being her dick.
Gawker's Brian Moylan went looking for Lady Gaga's elusive penis in her OUT magazine photoshoot, which didn't have any crotch shots, clothed or otherwise. He came back empty-handed.
Dodai over at Sister Jez went over some of the speculation and quotes Lady Gaga had in the lead-up to her VMA performance, in a strident, beautiful defense of the batshit insanity that is Lady Gaga's career. Among the better ones:
I would say that the fashion for the performance is a representation of the most stoic and memorable martyrs of fame in history. It's intended to be an iconic image that represents people. I think after watching the performance and maybe studying it after you watch it on YouTube, you'll see the references and the symbols come through.
You knew we were gonna go here. Recently, medical tests proved that South African sprinter Caster Semenya was more or less a hermaphrodite, or at least, has a condition that makes her gender slightly more difficult to fit into one of two choices. Caster Semenya and Lady Gaga could be the first in a series of reveals that will shock and change pop culture forever.
As far as pop culture rumors go, however, this kind of thing has disappointing precedent.
Finally, we're not the only ones to hear these rumblings. The Awl heard speculation of such insanity, and commenter Momo/Rod Townsend hears the same. And if two blogs think so, then there might be something to this. A nation awaits with baited breath. Penis or no penis, Lady Gaga has commanded our attention. Let this terrible urban mythology be put to rest.
Okay, so if Viacom hasn't pulled the video off, you might still be able to watch it here. It's basically, as Maura Johnston put it best, Lady Gaga meets Bunnicula. Either way, just know...
I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP.