Hipster Grifter Explains: 'I Am Pretty, Intelligent, And Very Well Spoken'

Hipster Grifter Kari Ferrell is speaking out, from the Utah jailhouse! Okay, she admits, she shouldn't have stolen all that money. But she's always been too smart and attractive for society to handle.

This ill-advised and delusional jailhouse interview with ABC News is just the thing to sustain all you Hipster Grifter addicts until the Law and Order episode comes out.

"As far as this whole story is concerned, I think that the reason it has been such a big deal is because I am pretty, intelligent and very well spoken," Ferrell told ABC News in a series of phone interviews from jail. "I am charming and funny."

Kari will not be sentenced for her crimes until next month, so perhaps teary contrition is in order, here? Nonsense! She lied in court at her extradition hearing, and she's not about to let her hardcore record be marred. We sincerely hope that Kari Ferrell is slyly manipulating us all. Rather than this being her sincere explanation as to why so many people came out to tell stories about her, you know, robbing them and stuff:

"Everybody wants their 15 minutes of fame," she said

Sure. Kari, you see, is different. She wasn't "WASPy enough" to stick with her tennis lessons; she was "already reading at a college level " in second grade(!), she says; her keen and rebellious mind was a little to much for those white-bread teachers:

Hipster Grifter Explains: 'I Am Pretty, Intelligent, And Very Well Spoken'

"In history I always asked about the war in the Philippines or how Columbus slaughtered millions of people. And that's not what they teach in the public schools in Utah," Ferrell said. "The teachers had no idea what to do with me."

Send you to detention, for stealing chalk? We may never know. What we do know is that after ending the war in the Philippines, Kari eventually made her way to New York, ripping people off all along the way. She got written up by Doree Shafrir, got famous, got caught, and got shipped back to Utah, where she's getting ready to do her time. And her plan when she gets out, my friends: To return to New York, with its infinite capacity to "forgive."

But not to forget.